Charlevoix with mommy

Monday, 31 August 2015

I promised my mom earlier this year that I will go camping with her, so here we are!

We went to Charlevoix and hiked Acropole des Draveurs because I heard it's one of the nicest places to hike in Quebec. Indeed, the landscape was breathtaking and quite unique. It felt like we were in a different world. The trail that goes there is well-maintained, it's not rough and wild like the ones in Northern USA, so it was very doable for her. I like how energetic and determined she is.

I used to go running with my parents when I was little, but of course I was much slower than them. I remember they jokingly said to me "one day, you will run faster than us and it will be your turn to wait for us", and so I try to be more patient with them and do things with them that they didn't have the chance to do because of me and my sister...

Other than hiking, we just relaxed around campfire, tried to cook supper, sat in the car when it has raining, haha. Life is not simple, but there are always simple little pleasures.


Friday, 28 August 2015

He got a new job in another city to be closer to his girlfriend. I might never see him again. He's going somewhere with his life while I'm not doing much at all. Time flies and I'm still hung up on things. Our job was the reason why we met and the reason why it didn't work out...but now we all moved on to new jobs and different companies, and I even lost mine...

Now, I also met someone, Alex. Without wanting to sound ridiculous, he really looks like him. I have a hard time telling them apart sometimes....and I secretly like it. I know it's bad, and it sounds psycho, but I can't help it. They look so alike that I get this feeling that it's not just a coincidence. Maybe this is a lesson. Maybe I am crazy, but I miss him.

This is pathetic, I know.

...but Alex has been quite nice to me. He got all these hiking gear to go hiking with me. He isn't perfect obviously, but he tries. I'm not perfect either and I'm thankful that he's quite accepting of who I am and what I've done.

It still makes me sad, and I haven't figured this out yet...I'm afraid the next thing I see is their wedding picture on facebook.


I feel like I should look for a job because I want to advance my career and I don't want to be falling behind my peers...but the truth is, I'm having too much fun now! How many times am I going to be jobless in my life? Probably not many. I just want to have fun and do the things I never had time to do!

I went to Tadoussac for a few days with Alex, and finally got to see some whales! I never saw whales in my life and always wanted to. We camped right next to the river and were able to spot whales from the shore. We also did kayaking and saw them 2-3 meters from our kayak. Other than that, we did some hiking and exploring places that are off-limits.

It was probably the best camping trip I've ever done so far. I've done camping before but it was mostly very camping on a mountain with cold food after 11 hours of hike, camping in Africa in the wild without hot water after a dusty day...but this time, it was just relaxing and fun.

Mansfield with my family

Tuesday, 28 July 2015

This is my second time on Mansfield mountain. I went with my cousin and my mom this time. My mom wanted to try something harder, and I think Mansfield is perfect because it is not extremely hard, but has some steep sections and some "alpine" feel to it...and because my cousin wanted to do some scrambling.

The ridge was crowded as always, so me and my cousin left the crowd behind us and got into the subway, which is a loop trail off the ridge. It goes down a semi-enclosed fissure with series of crevices, caves and boulders. It felt like it was air-conditioned between those rocks. It was super fun.

I'm kind of proud of my mom for being able to do this.

Finding someone

Monday, 27 July 2015

This summer, a relative, who is the same age as me, got married. I didn't want to go to her wedding because I knew that people will be asking me things like, "when is you turn, my dear?" I didn't want to answer those questions. Why does that matter? Why do people ask? Why do I have to find someone to marry?

I'm not going to lie; it does give me pressure, especially when those questions come from my mom. I used to want to be married at 25, have kids and live a happy life, it just didn't turn out that way. Not sure why my life always seems more complicated than normal. 

I might look free and happy, travelling the world, going to places that people have never been, hiking alone in the mountains, competing in races, but I think maybe all that made me lonelier. I find it harder and harder to find someone to relate to. For the past two years, I just feel like series of bad things keep happening to me, one after the other, and I keep meeting people that are inappropriate for me. It makes me want to hide and to retreat. 

Of course I want to find someone too, but as I get older, I start to wonder why. When was the last time being with someone made me happy? I can't seem to remember. Then I wonder, when was last time being with someone made me sad...

Life hasn't been kind to me lately.


You would think that this kind of thing would never happen to you, but it is what I've been worried about in the past 6 months. I got fired from my job.

As you may or may not know, I quit my auditing 6 months ago to get into financial planning and analysis.

It took less than 3 days between the time the HR contacted me on linkedin, meeting him, meeting the manager and the CFO, and the time they made the offer, which hapenned 2 hours after the last interview. I could tell that this company was very entrepreneur and took risks. I rejected another offer for them. The other offer was actually better but it was not a permanent job.

Now that I think back, I guess there really isn't much of a difference between temporary and permanent nowadays. I've had 4 permanent jobs in 4 years, some of which lasted less than 6 months, does it really matter if it's temporary or permanent? The other reason I went with their offer was because it was a PME, which to me, was the best of both worlds. You get to see a lot and touch little bit of everything just like smaller companies, but you also get more exposure like bigger companies.

I had a bad feeling when I accepted it...partly because I know that they hired me so they can fire another financial analyst. I don't know exactly why, I didn't want to ask because it's none of my business...but it tells you a bit about the philosophy of this company. I was worried that they change their mind and take the offer back before I even start.

Then, I was supposed to start working on a Monday, but they called me and asked me that I come in on Tuesday instead because they were not ready. This is just weird and it never happened to me before. Didn't they know two weeks in advance that I was going to start working today?! That tells you how messy the company is. They never told me why, but I figured out later that it was because the person that got fired was working until Monday. They hire quick and fire quick, without thinking thoroughly. I'm responsible of the numbers and I can see how much severances they paid in a month...a lot!

The first week of work consisted of dealing with IT to fix my computer problems and to get the programs I needed. They really weren't ready for me at all...

In this company, most people are new, everything they do is the first time they do it. Nobody is responsibilized. I work in a IT company, but I've never had so many IT problems....and when you call the IT department, they ask me to call another person because they don't have the solution. I'm not here to deal with that, seriously. Even at the smaller CA firm I worked at, if they didn't know how to fix it, they will figure it out or contact the appropriate person themselves because it was their job...but here, nobody cared apparently.

On the third week, I already wanted to leave. Usually, professionals are not paid for overtime because it is assumed that we can manage our time, which is fine. However, they said that I will be paid for the overtime, so I expect them to pay me. But three weeks later, they said it was a mistake and I won't be paid for overtime anymore. I think this is something you can't make a mistake on. It made me feel cheated. I wanted to leave so badly but...I told myself that it would be hard to find another job as good paying at the moment, and that I should tough it for a year at least.

The overtimes consisted of trying to work with the CFO who is distracted and watching Hockey and unproductive meetings that lasts 10 hours where people wonder what they are doing...I was wasting my time every single day. It really made me feel bitter...and little by little, I started making up excuses to leave early. I don't care. I didn't sell my life to that company. I wanted to live and be happy.

Few months later, I had my first argument with my manager. It started when a VP asked him to do something which he delegated to me. In order for me to do it, I needed someone else's help. It was noon by the time he asked, so I figured I would go see that person after lunch time. Thirty minutes later, he got mad at me and said, "when a VP asks me something, you gotta do it right away, I don't want to have them wait, blablabla", which a accusing tone. I was going to say nothing but I was too pissed, so I said, "Why don't you just tell me it was urgent, I can't read your mind," with the same tone as him. I know I can be a bad employee sometimes, but I couldn't stand his bullshit.

Recently, we worked on the budget, the delays were short and we had to build a new framework on top of that. It was hectic. One morning, I couldn't do what my manager asked me to do due to IT problems, again. I called tons of people and talked for hours to fix that problem. And he seriously lost it like an uncivilized monkey saying that he asked that to be done hours ago and it's not even done yet. I was so mad that I just ignored him.

Since that day, I stopped answering his questions about my weekends and anything outside of work. Sometimes, I'd be so mad at his non-reasonable bullshit that I just answer "okay" with a blank stare or without even looking at him. Some other times, I would explode and tell him to stop asking me where i'm at every 2 seconds, stop being oversensitive, stop his micromanaging ways and to back off, etc. It became more and more obvious on my face that I was fed up. I was really fed up! Everytime we argued, it would stress me out due to all the anger and bullshit.

Last week was the drop that made the glass overflow...just thinking about going to work made me cry. Working made me cry. Talking to him made me cry. I just wanted to cry. And I asked for 2 weeks off because my manager was driving me insane. The HR lady said she could not decide but will get back to me. Obviously, she will go ask my manager who will try to get rid of me. She didn't get back to me and I didn't go to work the next day. It was just not worth going because I had the feeling that it was time that they fire me. There were other hints along the way, but I felt the end was near...and I was right. I'm not exactly surprised, but still shocked that it happened.

I always told myself that next time I'm jobless, I will go travelling. But now that I actually don't have a job, it is kind of stressful I must admit. Although, I really don't have to worry since I have other sources of income, and I live at my parent's place...but still! It's a lie if I tell you that I'm happy and free. I can't even think straight now...and to actually just go ahead and purchase a one-way ticket takes some courage, which I don't have now.

I just need to rest for now, and hopefully, I will figure this out later.

To be continued...

Little lion man

Friday, 24 July 2015

Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep, little lion man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself
Take all the courage you have left
And waste it on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head
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