Mansfield with my family

Tuesday, 28 July 2015

This is my second time on Mansfield mountain. I went with my cousin and my mom this time. My mom wanted to try something harder, and I think Mansfield is perfect because it is not extremely hard, but has some steep sections and some "alpine" feel to it...and because my cousin wanted to do some scrambling.

The ridge was crowded as always, so me and my cousin left the crowd behind us and got into the subway, which is a loop trail off the ridge. It goes down a semi-enclosed fissure with series of crevices, caves and boulders. It felt like it was air-conditioned between those rocks. It was super fun.

I'm kind of proud of my mom for being able to do this.






Finding someone

Monday, 27 July 2015

This summer, a relative, who is the same age as me, got married. I didn't want to go to her wedding because I knew that people will be asking me things like, "when is you turn, my dear?" I didn't want to answer those questions. Why does that matter? Why do people ask? Why do I have to find someone to marry?

I'm not going to lie; it does give me pressure, especially when those questions come from my mom. I used to want to be married at 25, have kids and live a happy life, it just didn't turn out that way. Not sure why my life always seems more complicated than normal. 

I might look free and happy, travelling the world, going to places that people have never been, hiking alone in the mountains, competing in races, but I think maybe all that made me lonelier. I find it harder and harder to find someone to relate to. For the past two years, I just feel like series of bad things keep happening to me, one after the other, and I keep meeting people that are inappropriate for me. It makes me want to hide and to retreat. 

Of course I want to find someone too, but as I get older, I start to wonder why. When was the last time being with someone made me happy? I can't seem to remember. Then I wonder, when was last time being with someone made me sad...

Life hasn't been kind to me lately.

Fired

You would think that this kind of thing would never happen to you, but it is what I've been worried about in the past 6 months. I got fired from my job.

As you may or may not know, I quit my auditing 6 months ago to get into financial planning and analysis.

It took less than 3 days between the time the HR contacted me on linkedin, meeting him, meeting the manager and the CFO, and the time they made the offer, which hapenned 2 hours after the last interview. I could tell that this company was very entrepreneur and took risks. I rejected another offer for them. The other offer was actually better but it was not a permanent job.

Now that I think back, I guess there really isn't much of a difference between temporary and permanent nowadays. I've had 4 permanent jobs in 4 years, some of which lasted less than 6 months, does it really matter if it's temporary or permanent? The other reason I went with their offer was because it was a PME, which to me, was the best of both worlds. You get to see a lot and touch little bit of everything just like smaller companies, but you also get more exposure like bigger companies.

I had a bad feeling when I accepted it...partly because I know that they hired me so they can fire another financial analyst. I don't know exactly why, I didn't want to ask because it's none of my business...but it tells you a bit about the philosophy of this company. I was worried that they change their mind and take the offer back before I even start.

Then, I was supposed to start working on a Monday, but they called me and asked me that I come in on Tuesday instead because they were not ready. This is just weird and it never happened to me before. Didn't they know two weeks in advance that I was going to start working today?! That tells you how messy the company is. They never told me why, but I figured out later that it was because the person that got fired was working until Monday. They hire quick and fire quick, without thinking thoroughly. I'm responsible of the numbers and I can see how much severances they paid in a month...a lot!

The first week of work consisted of dealing with IT to fix my computer problems and to get the programs I needed. They really weren't ready for me at all...

In this company, most people are new, everything they do is the first time they do it. Nobody is responsibilized. I work in a IT company, but I've never had so many IT problems....and when you call the IT department, they ask me to call another person because they don't have the solution. I'm not here to deal with that, seriously. Even at the smaller CA firm I worked at, if they didn't know how to fix it, they will figure it out or contact the appropriate person themselves because it was their job...but here, nobody cared apparently.

On the third week, I already wanted to leave. Usually, professionals are not paid for overtime because it is assumed that we can manage our time, which is fine. However, they said that I will be paid for the overtime, so I expect them to pay me. But three weeks later, they said it was a mistake and I won't be paid for overtime anymore. I think this is something you can't make a mistake on. It made me feel cheated. I wanted to leave so badly but...I told myself that it would be hard to find another job as good paying at the moment, and that I should tough it for a year at least.

The overtimes consisted of trying to work with the CFO who is distracted and watching Hockey and unproductive meetings that lasts 10 hours where people wonder what they are doing...I was wasting my time every single day. It really made me feel bitter...and little by little, I started making up excuses to leave early. I don't care. I didn't sell my life to that company. I wanted to live and be happy.

Few months later, I had my first argument with my manager. It started when a VP asked him to do something which he delegated to me. In order for me to do it, I needed someone else's help. It was noon by the time he asked, so I figured I would go see that person after lunch time. Thirty minutes later, he got mad at me and said, "when a VP asks me something, you gotta do it right away, I don't want to have them wait, blablabla", which a accusing tone. I was going to say nothing but I was too pissed, so I said, "Why don't you just tell me it was urgent, I can't read your mind," with the same tone as him. I know I can be a bad employee sometimes, but I couldn't stand his bullshit.

Recently, we worked on the budget, the delays were short and we had to build a new framework on top of that. It was hectic. One morning, I couldn't do what my manager asked me to do due to IT problems, again. I called tons of people and talked for hours to fix that problem. And he seriously lost it like an uncivilized monkey saying that he asked that to be done hours ago and it's not even done yet. I was so mad that I just ignored him.

Since that day, I stopped answering his questions about my weekends and anything outside of work. Sometimes, I'd be so mad at his non-reasonable bullshit that I just answer "okay" with a blank stare or without even looking at him. Some other times, I would explode and tell him to stop asking me where i'm at every 2 seconds, stop being oversensitive, stop his micromanaging ways and to back off, etc. It became more and more obvious on my face that I was fed up. I was really fed up! Everytime we argued, it would stress me out due to all the anger and bullshit.

Last week was the drop that made the glass overflow...just thinking about going to work made me cry. Working made me cry. Talking to him made me cry. I just wanted to cry. And I asked for 2 weeks off because my manager was driving me insane. The HR lady said she could not decide but will get back to me. Obviously, she will go ask my manager who will try to get rid of me. She didn't get back to me and I didn't go to work the next day. It was just not worth going because I had the feeling that it was time that they fire me. There were other hints along the way, but I felt the end was near...and I was right. I'm not exactly surprised, but still shocked that it happened.

I always told myself that next time I'm jobless, I will go travelling. But now that I actually don't have a job, it is kind of stressful I must admit. Although, I really don't have to worry since I have other sources of income, and I live at my parent's place...but still! It's a lie if I tell you that I'm happy and free. I can't even think straight now...and to actually just go ahead and purchase a one-way ticket takes some courage, which I don't have now.

I just need to rest for now, and hopefully, I will figure this out later.

To be continued...

Little lion man

Friday, 24 July 2015

Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep, little lion man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself
Take all the courage you have left
And waste it on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head

Burnout

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

"A state of fatigue and frustration due to devotion to a way of life that does not produce the expected rewards".

Nothing ever happened

Monday, 13 July 2015

What do you do when you meet someone who has a dictionary written with experiences that are much different than your's? What if they can't see you past the thick layers they have accumulated over the years? Do you simply give up on them? What can you do if you don't give up? Are you going to be any happier if you happen to convince them for a second?

You just let go and pretend nothing ever happened.

When I was younger, I thought I'd never give up...but endurance is something that you can't see it's end until you've reached it. I never thought loving myself would become difficult one day.

10 years after graduation

There is something about those wrinkles, something about the beliefs and worries, something in their rigorousness and passion, and trying to find a balance. There is something about those people who believe in education and those who work on improving children's chances for better future. I think those are the people with the biggest heart.
 
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