There is nothing interesting at the fish market except that there are lots of fish and it stinks like hell, but there is that thing that looked kind of...funny. I seriously never saw anything so creepy.
I didn't want to get tanned right before my wedding pictures but the last time I went to the beach was like 2 or 3 years ago and it was some nasty beach around montreal so I had to! Oh and yeah, I'm taking wedding pictures with the wedding dress and all that stuff on tuesday =)
If you miss me just because I’m away, then does that mean I’ll have to go away everytime just so you can miss me a little more? But dude, what you actually miss is not me. I wish you missed me but you don't. What you miss is the attention I gaveyou. Face it; You'rean attention whore.
Did I just burst your bubble? That's how I like it.
You know what? If I have to disappear for you to appear, then you may forever disappear.
I was a little nervous when I was on my way to visit Kevin at the hospital. What reaction should I give him and how will he react when he sees me? Then I was standing in front of the room for minutes looking at his name on the patient list. I was thinking; No one's forcing me right now and I can still change my mind if I want to, but whatever I opened the door and I saw him studying. He looked different...kind of older. He is fine, but he broke his right leg and has to wait at least a year or two before he can resume his normal activities.
We just talked, ate and then sat outside around the hospital. It reminded of the days we were studying together in Hangzhou. When he always came with me to the Muslim Noodles even though he really didn’t like it. How he made fun of the way I eat hot food. How he imitates my “Oh my god!”. When I tell him to stare at the wall instead of watching me eat and the way he smelled is so familiar that I wanted to lean my head on his shoulder, but I can't do that. He said he feels bad for not being able to bring me around…I shouldn't visit him too often so he won't get used to it; it would make it easier for me to leave as well...but I told him I will visit him again on Monday. *sigh*
So last night, we went to the same club again and the barman was there. We purposely went to his bar. Elaine was really mean because she thought the barman was mean to me, but she doesn't really know the whole story. She is happy that I ditched the barman while he was sleeping, but I didn't purposely ditch him to make him feel like a dumbass when he wakes up. I didn't think the barman was that mean, actually he was kinda nice and sweet compared to the majority. He goes to school everyday and works everynight and only sleeps 3 hours per day, I know he could just be lying, but he is only 26 and already has some wrinkles...so I felt bad when Elaine called the barman "small dick". I love Elaine, but sometimes she really is too much. I'm probably worst though.
PS: I went to eat with some friends 2 days ago, and TJ was there. He was just sitting right across and he seriously didn't say a single word to me. wtf!
Kevin called this morning but I was busy so I told him to call back at 7. So he called again at precisely 7. That’s what I like. He never plays any games with me and if he doesn’t call at 7, then I know he really have something urgent and he's certainly not trying to make me nervous. He told me that he’s in the hospital and asked me to visit him this weekend. I really don't know why he's at the hospital because my chinese seriously sucked and he forgot his english, damn it. The hospital he stays at is almost on the other side of the world. Am I really going there just to see him?
This is wrong isn’t it?
There is this thing about me that is inexplicably wrong. It’s that curiosity about how bad things can turn out to be. Not how good they can be, but how bad. Actually, It’s not plain curiosity…it’s that eagerness do things wrong just to find out what it would be like and I can’t be satisfied if there is still something not yet destroyed. Then I feel bad about it, but it secretly feels kind of good…because it’s more human-like? There are too many times I could just sit there, cross my arms, shut my mouth and everyone will be happy in their status quo, but I won’t. I can’t stop until I hit my face on somewhere and whenever I forget how bad that hurt, I’ll start over again. I know I made enough mistakes because of that, but I’d still be wondering what would’ve happened if I didn’t… Maybe I’m bored, really. I don’t know why.
I want to be nice to him but that’s being mean at the same time. Kevin is not like any other guys I meet in a club and that’s why I can’t treat him like those assholes. However, the truth is that the assholes are probably better off…because they don’t care? but Kevin’s like my family, he cares about me the way my parents would and he will make decisions for me the way my parents would as well. Maybe I'm not in love with him anymore, but I absolutely love him more than anything and I care about him. Should I pretend I don't know him? I'm lucky to be able to see that there are good people like him in this dirty world. He is innocent, but way stronger than I am, because he was never brainwashed by all the nasty influences. He's the kind of guy I should be with, but there are too many things that happen for no reason, too many things that doesn’t happen even if you try hard, you can’t choose and can’t control...even if you think you're an exception. This is wicked. I feel like as if I’ve chosen to be a piece of trash when I could’ve been a princess.
I shouldn't’ve given him my number.
I don’t want to see him because it won’t do him any good and it will only bring more headaches...maybe he knows too. It would simply be easier if I don’t reappear in the context, but I always end up doing what I should never do because I'm too stupid. I could be smarter, but I choose to be stupid. I don’t want to upset him for anything in the world but that already happened and it might happen again. I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing or saying…it’s like a disease to me. I feel like I’m trying to believe that I care…as if I need to prove something to myself. I miss him, but I also miss the way someone cares about me without all those evil intentions.
I don't know why I talk so much, because I already know what I will do. I could pretend I lost my phone, I could pretend that I'm sick, that I broke a leg, that I forgot, that I'm busy, that my dog died...but I obviously won't.
TJ's been avoiding me these days and I'm so glad. I don't want anything I can't brink back to montreal and I don't want to miss anything either. At lot of times, it's hard to let go when things are not yet torn into the smallest pieces possible. I don't mind the consequences, crossing the line and ruining everything for an answer that I don't need, just to prove that my guesses were right, but in the end everyone gets hurt. But this time, I think I'll just leave things as they are.
23:00-1:00: Drinking at Elaine’s place: I wasn't exactly drinking because I wanted to make sure that the barman is as cute as I thought he were when I was drunk and I absolutely didn't want to pass out before 7 am this time.
That guy speaks Chinese better than I do and that's when I know I should go back to Chinese school =(
Something smells here...
1:00-4:00: Club no.1 : That club was nasty that night and people were sweating over each other and they still let people in *sigh*. You’d think that more people means more choices but NO! I never saw so many ugly people gathered, maybe because I wasn’t drunk enough. We just had fun grabbing people’s ass and I got caught, but it was fun. I wanted to see the barman (Rain’s clone) but he was working at the twin club which was…gay.
4:00-4:30: Club no.2 : It was okay, but people were still ugly.
4:30-5:00: Club no.3 : Club full of stupid foreigners who think they are the shit. Horrible.
5:00-6:00: Back to Club no.2 : Whenever I don’t make it back home before the sunrise, my day will be completely ruined. At that point, I was hoping that Elaine gets tired so I can go home, but she’s just not satisfied going home alone. I seriously only wanted someone to buy me breakfast.
6:00-6:30: Club no.4 : I got into that fight with a stupid guy just because I pushed him away when he wanted to dance with me. He was so obsessed that he followed us outside, so we told the bouncer that he hit us…Elaine had enough so I had to play the drama queen and everyone was watching our show on the street. I’m glad he didn’t slap me on my face.
6:30-7:00: Wandering on the street and telling people that they are ugly. We have the right to be frustrated, okay?
7:00-8:00: That barman never calls and sends me really short messages, and only when I initiate it. So yeah, we were sending each other messages back and forth for an hour. Why does it take so long to figure out what you want to do…gosh.
8:00-9:00: Breakfast at McDonald’s with the barman. He really didn’t look like rain at all and was shorter than I thought but at least still taller than I am. That guy seriously kept staring at my chest the whole time I was eating…he thought I didn’t know just because I pretended not to see wtf.
9:00-11:00: You know the rest of the story.
Elaine was really hurt because she thought that the barman didn’t really try hard enough and I was almost begging. She thought I wasn't the empowered woman I were anymore…I guess I still am, but honestly, I just can't help being obsessed with things I can’t get. I just want what I want and I don’t care if I begged, because it worked and now I can move on to the next one. The way people define the word "pride" is really annoying and depriving. If I cared about people’s opinion, I would just stay home to avoid those stares and that guy is not my family, not my friend…just a random dude. You think I care?
I went back to that bar where I puked few days ago and they probably recognized me, but it doesn’t bother me as long as the tequila shots are a dollar each. After that we went to the club and there was that hot ass barman that looked exactly like Rain; big muscles, nice ass, chinky eyes and cute smile…and I got his number with my naked face. As most of you already know, I cannot put on make up because of my surgery. At first, I wasn’t going to do anything but then Elaine said to me: “What a pussy you are, make eye contact”! So I did and it worked; he dropped a glass. So we just started talking and he was giving us free alcohol, so how the hell can I say no. I got really drunk and Elaine kept abusing him. I told him to call after work, which is around 7 o’clock in the morning. I asked him: “Do you meet lots of girls at work”? He’s like….”no”. Haha he’s obviously not going to say: “Yes I do, and you are the 100th girl that got my number tonight, congrats miss”, but he actually looked like he doesn’t…
So yeah it was 6h30 when I lied down on my bed and I was thinking…I’ll just take a small nap, when he’ll call, I’ll get up…but I just passed out. I knew I wouldn’t be able to wake up if I fall asleep but I somehow thought I would be able to make it with the dose of alcohol in my system. He texted me at exactly 7 and I can’t believe I missed it!
To make it clear, Elaine is also the name of my friend and I don’t have an imaginary friend.
Elaine and I met again earlier this week. She is the most liberal girl I know; she is quite open about everything. I can tell her the nastiest things I've done without filtering and I like hearing her stories too. We were thinking about going to the Philippines or Thailand together, but I'm so broke I don't think it will happen =(
I went to that hostel she stays at and we drank there with the other travellers. Everyone drank a whole lot and we wanted to go to club but by the time we left the hostel, it was already 4 am and no one realized. Someone even had the idea to drink some more at a bar before...So we went and 30 minutes later, everyone got sick, including me. I just sat down on the floor in the washroom and laid my head on the toilet bowl. Can you imagine how many people walked in and out of the washroom before me? Gosh I can't believe that. On top of this, I was in the men's washroom; I didn't really care at that point. I thought I wouldn't be able to walk, so I asked that guy next to me "Can you bring me home"? haha...He's like "Yeah, sure"! But in the end I got up. After that I went outside, and I saw Elaine and everyone else sitting/lying on the street. No one actually made it to the club...obviously.
In the end, everyone made out with everyone at the hostel, minus me because I'm a good girl.
I saw TJ last night and it was pretty cool. I wasn’t mad at him last time, I was just a little sad to remember things. We were chilling at his place, anyways it’s the usual things you know, and I’m not going into details.
He asked "What do you want from me, seriously" and yeah he was pretty serious when he asked that.
I didn't even know what to say...is there really something I can want? I'm leaving in like...3 weeks or so. It’s quite stupid to even want anything. There was that one time, I heard from a friend in common that he likes me a little but he said it's not worth investing just because when summer will be over, everyone will have to move on with their life and go back to their routine…well I least I have to. I should be happy meeting him, but it's actually pretty sad to have to say bye at some point, and you know from day 1.
It's started when we met in a bar and we didn't even look at each other, but I thought he didn’t look bad in his skinny jeans. Then at that club, I ran away from him and his friend because I didn't want to be stuck around them. We somehow got into the same cab at the end of the night and I was quite rude to him because he was just like every other perverts for me at that time. The next morning, I acted like a total bitchy princess and he tried to be patient but still got annoyed. After that, I said quite demeaning things about him on my blog and hurt his feelings. I never really wanted to see him again, but I did and got to know him better and we actually have a lot in common.
If you ask me how I really feel about TJ now, well, I kind of feel good around him and I miss his presence at times, but I don't really like him, maybe just a little and I hope I won't go crazy by the time I leave. I think I would consider him if we lived in the same city, because he is not only mature, but I also like the way he sees life.
Ok so the point is, when he asked that question, I just answered "I want your dick". That's all I could think of. Isn't that what every guy wants to hear anyways? The end.
It went well until he said something that I really don’t like. He said..."Just because I’m not your bitch? That’s how it works with me, you gotta give to receive and you ain't getting anything right now...so what are you gonna do, huh?". He was asking me to do something I didn't want to do. I was happy to see him until he said that...it just turned me off. I just felt like crying, but I smiled and said "Continue watching your porn" and I left. Then he said I was funny. Maybe it was funny for him.
What he said just reminded me of things from long time ago. What made me sad back then was the fact that no one believed me, not even my mom. Maybe she did, but she didn't do anything about it because she didn't take it seriously when it took me a lot tell her. What makes me sad now is the fact that I wasn't courageous to say no stop, and I still don't. Actually, what he said was probably not such a big deal to anyone else...but I felt manipulated the same way when he said it to me and that's just awful. Fuck you TJ.
So Mister Todd went there (club 500) before but it was way crazy and he were drunk so we just went back to confirm what he saw was real. I can't believe I went out with my naked face and messy hair, but no one knows me, so WHATEVER!
Yoshimi is such a cutie~
I didn't know my thighs were that fat before I saw that picture