You need to get a life ;)
Sunday, 28 March 2010
You need to get a life ;)
Saturday, 27 March 2010
You know those people who are never satisfied with anything and don't know what makes them happy? You know what they all have in common? They all like to chase after girls they think they want but that they don't actually want...because they don't even know what they want in the first place. What they also don't know is the fact that it's never the girl that they are chasing after. What they are actually chasing after is the satisfaction built on an empty space that eventually falls. So when it falls, they'll have to chase after another one and another one again without ever knowing why.
Those people are plain negative and empty inside.
Tired of this.
You know how I know? because I was once in their shoes. If a guy did not give in right away; I will obviously keep on going after that guy, not much different than before but with 1 difference; I will only think about how I will screw that guy over once I get him. So even if that's not what I started with, it will eventually develop into something pathetic like that.
Then one day I woke up and realized I lost the one I loved the most and I'll never find anyone like him ever again. I have to say this even if it's cheesy but that person marked the turning point in my life and thoughts of him still make me feel sane. Today when people ask me how many boyfriends I had; I tell them I had one; Kevin. When he was here I never told him how much I loved him because I didn't realize it, I didn't know what I wanted and I didn't take him seriously. He really gave me everything but I kept looking right and left. I didn't appreciate what I had and now it's too late. It's too late to even regret or to cry about it. That's when I knew that it's the rarest thing in the world to find someone you can feel a vibe with and that it's mutual and that you're comfortable around each other.
The chase satisfies people but only for so long. It will eventually fall and that will never get you anywhere except for an short-term ego boost....that you probably need if you're that insecure and if you need that much attention to sleep better at night. If you still don't know how pathetic you are yet then it's about time you realize that your dick can find its type every so often, but your heart doesn't find its' every weekend...maybe not even once in a lifetime. So why don't you just slow down for a bit and start to get to know each other?!
Next time you meet someone you like; show them what you're all about just to test them and see if they will be scared off. If they can't handle that, it just means they were not chasing after you but after a sense of satisfaction that they don't have...and that they'll never get if they continue working that way. They are that pitiable.
...but you know what you can do to help them?
Rip their balls off before they break someone's heart. DOT.
Wednesday, 24 March 2010
Does that even make sense to diss a country that is so open to other religions and so friendly to everyone no matter where they're from? I wonder how the hell she came to believe that she is the shit for having the guts to diss a country that warmly welcomed her. Same as in the fact that if someone let me sleep over at their place, I'm not going to start complaining about how small the bed is. It's already wrong enough to hate, but nothing is as bad as hating someone's country and culture. She can hate my friends if she wants to, but to hate my language?! Seriously? It's like...what type of sewer did you pop out from?!
I love montreal; it's my hometown but I just don't like some people who live in here and that makes me want to move out. Those people pollute our beautiful city.
Here's how to recognize her, her friends and her people:
-They rant about how we can't speak "proper french"
-They refuse to speak french even if they are fluent
-They might even refuse to speak english
-They rant about how small downtown is
-They shop at forever 21
-They think Mcgill is the shit
-They tend to stick to their own group
-They like dragon ball
-They are ugly
That girl talks like our every single action has to do with the fact that we're francophones...or Canadians.
If we are bad drivers, it's because we're Canadians.
If we want to have sex before marriage, it's because we're Canadians.
If we got no style, it's because we're Canadians.
If we're not educated, it's because we're are Canadians.
...Not like you really sound like you're more educated than us, honey. You're having a bad day not because you're in Canada, you're having a bad day because you're a hater! Should I start yelling on the street that all people from her country are unclassy just like her and then create a blog about how her country sucks ass?! Not unless I want to stoop to her level, eh?
It's okay if she just sits at home and makes a few jokes about Canadians between her family and fob friends. That's something that most people do during supper time I think...but to post that on a blog where most readers are Canadians?! Even if they are factual criticism, no one wants to hear them...and no one's asking her to love Canada either. Same as in the fact that I will never insult your mommy in your face even if I think she's a bitch.
How would people feel if they read this, right? For those who are montreal-natives and whose mother tongue is french? It wouldn't be as bad if she wrote in her language...but dude! We have freedom of expression in Canada and some don't seem to enjoy that in a reasonable manner.
To disregard anything positive about Canada shows what kind of ungrateful and negative whore you are. If you ever wonder why racism still exists, it's thanks to people like them who hate for no reason and blame everything on our nationality. Aren't they playing a part in promoting racism? Their only argument in defense is "What, you can't take a joke? Sorry if I offended anyone, don't take what I said seriously". Yes, it might be "funny", but let me tell you that it's probably only "funny" to her and her other fob friends.
You can't choose your birthplace, but you can choose where you want to live so if you don't like Montreal, then get the fuck out and no one will miss you. Really, did you forget to bring your brain with you when you came to Canada in your boat?! Because I think you did.
If you love montreal and Canada, raise your hand. If you don't, suck a cock.
Don't hate me if I make more sense than you.
Tuesday, 23 March 2010
Remember P? Well last time, I said a lot of mean things that included stuff like "small dick" and some other blablas. The fact that he goes on my blog does affect me in some way...like it forces me to think about him. I'm not some psycho who likes to hurt people; I just did it so that he quits reading my blog for the most part, which I think he did for a while.
However, he started going on my blog when he's at school. When he uses the Wi-Fi at school, it changes the IP address. So, he thought I wouldn't know it's him. I'm not going to explain how the visits tracker works, but it doesn't just track by IP address in case you guys wonder. So when I found out, I had that urge to diss him again. The reason I didn't is because I understand that it's hard to stop going on someone's blog when you read it for that long. For example, if I called the same person everyday for 5 months, you can bet that person will miss me if one day I just decide to stop calling. So I understand and I didn't say shit about it because maybe he's just curious. If he has to go to school to read my blog it's because he doesn't want me to know; it means he's not doing that on purpose to piss me off.
I still stupidly giggle when I think about him and I don't mind if it goes on like that for a while because it's just human nature...as long as he stays away.
Then about 3 weeks ago, he started going on my blog when he's at home. Since he doesn't know how that visits tracker works, my guess would be that he wants me to know he reads my blog now. He has to be doing that for a reason and the only reason I can think of is the fact that I met one of his friends. I'm pretty sure they are not close friends. He's probably doing that to remind me of his existence.
What would that mean?
For someone who always wants the last word,
someone who is so competitive,
someone who likes to sit there and try to win some argument...because being able to prove that they are smarter than a little girl like me just feels so good?
He's probably smiling because bad things happen to me.
I mean, how happy can you be if you succeeded in provoking me?!
...Unless you want to prove that immaturity comes with age.
I had to do something about it. Even if I don't hate him, I probably won't be able to face him because of that blowjob thing. I just don't know how. My friend, Van, always encourages me to go talk to him...and I considered that too. People say that there are problems that might seem so complicated but by the time you're willing to take the first step, you would've already half solved the problem. So I wanted to be nice and talk to him...but it didn't turn out well haha.
I texted him this...
Text messages always make everything worst.
|Me: So I see you're still obsessed!|
Me: What you're not?
P: Who is this? Ej? **...pretending to be innocent again.
P: Um, not really obsessed sorry. Have you been writing about me again or what. It's been a while I haven't gone on your blog. ** I really don't get why he's lying when he knows I probably know the truth...or maybe "a while" means 2 days to him. And yeah, that's where things went wrong.
Me: No and you're just childish, not because you're at school that I don't know it's you.
P: Um yea keep dreaming. Whatever makes you happy eh. You need to move on. Didn't you delete my number?
Me: Anyways stop bothering me and don't be innocent enough to believe anything I said.
P: Haha jesus you seriously have an issue. You are the one who texted me out of the blue, not me. Anyways. Bye~
Me: That's only because you keep stalking me and I wasn't even going to say anything but you piss me off!
P: Ok bye~
It's just ridiculous...I just tried to start the conversation and he didn't take it well for whatever reason. He instantly put himself in a defensive mode and shot me his arguments when he could've simply said "no" instead.
Van said this to me "You're pissed because he reads your blog. What if one day he actually stops reading it? Would you still be pissed?" haha, I probably will but I know it would be better than having false hope. It feels peaceful when there's not even 1% of chance you can help the situation. I don't want to be obsessed for that 1%. Just be realistic. It sucks but I don't feel bad about it. Maybe I were rude and ruined it with my text messages but he annoyed me with his lame arguments first. At least now he'll stay out of my sight in every possible way...even my blog and visits stats. That's a good thing.
P is simple like a little kid sometimes even if he doesn't appear that way. It's not hard to figure him out and that makes it difficult to get mad at him even if he said mean things. Anyways.
Like he said, I need to move on. Ok ok, I said that at least 10 times haha. I think I already moved on but I got to admit that I still think about him. How is it possible to not think when I don't have alzheimer, eh? But I don't think about him the same way as before...I'm more at ease about it now, or just thought through it I guess, or maybe I just don't care that much either. I'm just taking that shit easy.
No contact is the key.
Friday, 19 March 2010
I didn't go to the one I usually go to because last time, the owner talked about how I should date his son because he's tall, handsome and many girls are after him. I thought..."Geez, he's shorter than I am and there are probably only those 5-foot-minus-4-inches after him...pfffff"...And his son is the one who does my hair! He does my hair and checks me out at the same time. I'm not going there anymore.
My hairrrrrrr :(
Friday, 12 March 2010
Last time I mentioned TJ, I was at a point where I were a bit ^%#@^!*. Want it or not, our baggage does affect our actions. We might even treat innocent people in a way they don't deserve. I started feeling better these few months. Thought through some crap, feel much more positive, just like a newborn baby.
When I think about TJ again; we could have been great friends if we didn't meet in that kind of setting. Realistically, no one really owes anything to anyone; if something not so great happened then it's just life; bad timing or bad luck or whatever it is. There is no need to blame it on anyone because no one should be responsible for your happiness or misery. So I don't think it was my fault if I were a stuck up bitch nor was it his' if he were an asshole. However, I do realize that I made him feel bad, said things that I shouldn't have said, did things that I shouldn't have done. It's been so long, but I know he thinks about me sometimes too...and probably in a positive way. So I apologized and it came from my heart this time.
We are all wanderers on this road of life. It could be that easy to bump into someone, but it could be very hard aswell. People who think it's easy tend to take others for granted, but if you think it's hard then you'll learn to appreciate others. It's crazy how I don't even know who lives next door, but I met TJ. It could be a once-in-a-lifetime encounter; I know we might never get to see each other again, but I learned some great things from him, from our differences and similarities.
When I were younger, I didn't understand that the process is more important than the results. I were never satisfied because I were so obsessed with what I will get back for my input. In the end, it was just a useless proof to myself that I can get whatever I "think" I want but I don't actually know what I want. But as I get older, I start to realize that it's not necessary to think that far and to plan everything when we're only here in the present. The results are sometimes simply not worth it if you have to do whatever it takes no matter what. Our destination might be different but I enjoyed it while we were wandering together for a little while on that section of the road and that's the whole point, nothing more, nothing less.
We disliked each other, but somehow cared at the same time because we understand where the other one is coming from.
We spent some great times, and some not so great...
...fucked up but still great memories.
Thursday, 11 March 2010
So I met that guy recently. Let's refer to him as "Old Man". My friend already warned me that Old Man and that other person know each other, but I didn't really think that much about it. I was just like "Oh he's kind of cute; introduce me to him next time". It doesn't matter if he is friend with someone I don't like. It doesn't matter that they are talking about me in my back. I didn't think it would matter but I'm wrong because it seems like it matters to him. Now it matters to me too because he keeps trying to dig all my "dirty secrets" when he barely knows me. It seems like the only thing he is interested in knowing concerns that only thing I don't want to talk about. The more I don't want to talk about it, the more he wants to know and the more he insists. And if I don't tell him, then I'm childish, I'm complicated, I'm...hm what did he say? Anyways, I don't remember.
He keeps saying that he won't judge me nor will he tell anyone but it's hard to believe him when he just spilled his own friend's secrets today. He is also saying that it will resurface even if I don't tell him. Obviously it will if you keep digging...and it's something that doesn't even concern him. Maybe I would tell him if it actually concerns him in some way, but does it? Maybe he cares about his stuck up church values? Whatever...
It really makes me sad when he mentions that again because I was determined to move on and live. It's okay if he's friend with that other person, it's okay if he's curious, but if you got to open up people's scars, then what for?! He made me cry today, by the way. I didn't give him much of a reaction when he mention that other person and I didn't think I would give that much of a fuck either. But it forces me to think about it even more when no one's around. He made me feel like that other person will always be somewhere in the context when I try so hard to not let it be that way. It absolutely doesn't have to be that way, so did he need to bring that up again and again? Didn't he just create a problem when there was none to start with? Or maybe even if there actually was a problem, then he's just making it worst.
It's because he told me he's interested, y'know? So I wanted to try to get to know him with sane intentions; I didn't think of screwing him over nor did I think of pissing anyone off...but he's seriously making it difficult for me to give him a clean slate.
I don't know.
I was thinking about that in the shower, hesitated a bit, but not for long. I honestly don't feel like dealing with this.
In other words, FUCK IT!
Wouldn't it be great if we could start learning to know someone from that point we meet? Sounds so simple, but I start to think it's impossible in Montreal. Here, everyone knows about everyone because we heard it from someone, somewhere, somehow, right? I can't wait to move to a new city.
Tuesday, 9 March 2010
I wonder why everyone stares at me when I walk by...
They probably all want to be me. HAHAHA <3
Monday, 8 March 2010
Listen people. If you know me, then you should know that I'm not the type who falls for those you-are-hot-and-amazing comments. Those cheesy I-love-you-forever lines make me laugh...and puke. I don't need a slave to beg on his knees for me to feel special...simply because I already know I am. I already know how pretty, smart and amazing I am. I take good care of myself and I love myself to death. I'm not one of those lonely and insecure little girls who constantly need to be reassured. I'm old enough to know what I want and I have my standards. It doesn't take some little boy sucking up to me to make me feel like I need to be with him. I might want to share some great times with someone, but I have difficulties imagining myself needing anyone. Also, let me tell you that if I wanted sex, I can have that ANYTIME.
Here's what I want though...
-I want to cut and dye my hair
-I want to graduate by year end
-I want a brand new car by next year
-I want to continue studying Chinese
-I want to have a 24 inch waist
-I want to eat healthier
-I want to go to graduate school
-I want better teeth
-I want to build a better relationship with my friends and family
-I want to take more risks
-I want to move to a new city
-I want to actively learn
There's actually a longer list of things I want to do before I die, but I'm not going to post it here today. I've already done most of it though, I should come up with new ones soon haha.
Overall, I just want to improve myself. I want to grow into a person I can look up to. And finally when I'll truly be happy about my life and about the person I am, then maybe the guy for me will finally hop along and join my life. Share in my successes. Share the joy of my accomplishments.
Happiness isn't someone that just shows up; it's something people have to work toward. If you think that I'm going to spend the rest of my life improving some sort of relationship with a guy... then you probably thought wrong because my life is way too short to be wasted that way.
Sunday, 7 March 2010
Yes, I hate clubbing.
Yes, I have tons of stuff to study for.
...but I still went.
Besides living for the present, we're also living to create memories. Does that make sense? In 10 or 20 years, would you rather remember that day you were studying at home, just like any other day? Or that day you were celebrating your friend's birthday? To remember how happy she was, how drunk we were, how all the guys are dying to feel us, all the stupid things we did, all the crazy laughs? It's childish to use the term "best friends", but let's just say that Mirlaine is one of my very good friends. You really have to be a no-life to choose studying at home for your good friend's birthday.
Last night was great. I haven't gone to club in a while but just like always, we are the ones who started the party. I mean, who else dares to dance in the middle of the dance floor when it's empty and people are just sitting around and watching, right? It's us, baby.
...but something not so great happened too. I bumped into my neighbors; Joonho and David. They are brothers. I knew them since Joonho was still a virgin and David was still free of piercings. We would hang out at their place or around bois-franc and just talk about everything and nothing. I were comfortable enough to be around them with my naked-face and PJs. David is more outgoing while Joonho is the quiet one. Both are really nice and sweet.
So here's the story. At the club, everyone could see us because me and my friends were on the stage. So Joonho saw me and bought me a beer. Usually, I'd dance for a bit, just by politeness, with those people who buy me drinks, which is what I did. I don't know if it's because I sent the wrong signal or what but then he started grabbing me "where" he shouldn't. At first, he just grabbed my waist and then my butt, but I didn't say anything about that because it's sometimes inevitable in a club...he might have accidentally went too low. Then, he really went too far because he tried to finger me right there on the dance floor a few times and to get in my bra. Obviously, I took his hands and put them away nicely y'know...I didn't bitch-slap him. Maybe I should have done that though. When you're nice, people are just going to abuse and go further! Later during the night, there was that show going on so people were facing the same direction and we were all squeezed together. I was standing in front of Joonho and he just started dry humping me from behind and kissing my neck. I was like...what the hell is going on, my neck is wet. I turned around and he started kissing my lips. I didn't push him away right away though...because I was thinking how and I didn't have time to react because I was shocked...anyway I'm stupid. I always knew he found me hot, but I never thought he would do this. Joonho the little quiet and shy boy? Really?
Then I just went to the washroom because I needed to breath. He had to follow me obviously.
|Me: Hey, I think I'm going home.|
Joonho: Okay, me too then.
Me: Alright, I'm just going to find my friends first.
Joonho: Are your parents home?
Joonho:...but they are sleeping right? **So what if they are sleeping, dude?
I don't remember what he said after that, but I was trying to explain to him that it doesn't make a difference whether my parents are home or not because I'll sleep in my house and he'll sleep in his'.
It's not because you touched my hands that you're my boyfriend and just because we kissed doesn't mean that you can get in my pants and even if someday you get in my pants doesn't mean you're my man. Got that?
I think he understood what I said because he didn't follow me after that. So I found my friends and went to the coatcheck and I saw David there.
|Me: Hey David, your brother wants to fuck me. |
David: Haha, how do you know?
Me: Well, he touched me here and here...
David: It's normal. All guys want to fuck hot girls and you're hot y'know. I want to do you too...well, if you want it hahaha, just kidding.
Me: Yeah I guess...
David is cool though. He's always been a pretty direct person. If he's mad at someone, he'd tell them. If he likes someone, he'd tell them. If he wants to fuck someone, he'd tell them too. So I also like the fact that he just tells me but still keeps his hands off me...even if he were more drunk than Joonho. I were drunk too, but did I grab David's balls? No I didn't and David is definitely the most handsome asian I've seen in Montreal. So...don't blame it on alcohol unless you're really irresponsible.
I was thinking about that this morning. I was thinking...would more guys see me as a friend if I were uglier? I mean, those friendships without any kinds of tension? Not that I want to be friends with everyone but I feel like I just lost Joonho as a friend. I'm sad because he disgusted me and I don't think I'll ever be able to see him the same way. I lost respect for that guy. I'm sad about the fact that people will always have that in their minds, that it's all about looks...all because I'm "hot". Whether it's possible for real friendship between guys and girls have always been something I never found an answer to....until last night.
Then a friend texted me this morning and I felt like talking about it:
|Him: Had fun?|
Me: Hmm yeah but I saw my neighbor and he tried to hit on me...which is gay because we were close friends. What did you do?
Him: Hmm awkward! I helped my friend clean his store and that took most of the evening. Since I had quite a day Friday, I relaxed yesterday. I am still 27....damn it.
Me: I just realized that I don't have any male friends. What don't you like about being 27? I kinda like that lol...
Him: Well that's often the case for most people, no? So are you clueless about guys then lol. No I am cool with my age I am just sayin'.
Me: Well you know what? I think all guys just want to get in my pants, even my neighbor's little brother admitted it. Anyway, 27 year-old dudes are hot haha...
Him: They must think they all have small waists...trying to get in a girl's pants....ok bad joke. Well that at least tells you you're attractive! Yes 27 year-olds then to be hot, especially the ones that just turned 27.
I didn't know that was the case for most people, but you know what guys? If you want to fuck, then why don't you fuck some strangers instead. You'll have all the fun you need without hassle or problems in the future, right? I mean...if you want to fuck, try not to do it near your house...because you just ruined our friendship! I know I'm not exactly portrayed as a good little innocent church girl, but I don't just do anybody...I'M VERY PICKY and YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO MEET MY STANDARDS EVEN IF YOU GROW A FEW MORE INCHES, BOY!
I still don't know what I'll do next time I bump into him around my house, but I'm not worrying. He should be the one who has to worry.
It was my friend's birthday and I had fun with her...but I still HATE clubbing. Sometimes, I kinda forget how guys (in general) are such lost puppies, but last night just reminded me of that. Their brains are seriously controlled by their dicks and their dicks are controlled by me and my ladies.
Just believe me that if I could, I would grow a cock so you guys can suck it.
Saturday, 6 March 2010
Thursday, 4 March 2010
Bed undone...like always.
Direct access to washroom.
I finally have my own closet too :))) I had enough of using the floor as closet.
You know what I really LOVE about having my own room? I can sleep naked!!! Yay!
I still remember that question that people liked to ask back in high school:
What would you choose between:
A) Being unhappy but liked by everyone
B) Being happy but disliked by everyone
That question is a bit extreme and not realistic at all, but I chose B.
I often heard that kind-hearted people get depressed most easily because besides only having to worry for themselves, they also have to care for people around them. It's because there are still those people that we care about by our sides that makes it harder to let go things we don't wish to remember. That's why life is so much easier for selfish people. If I were not like that, I don't think I'd be able to recover that quickly from being sad. It's probably selfish to even think that way but for now, I enjoy being selfish. It's not that I'm mean necessarily; I just chose to be better to myself.
I don't want to change the world, i just want to be happy.
...I love my mom by the way haha.
Wednesday, 3 March 2010
...most people won't do this unless they are left without choices.
Last time Jonathan called me was last friday and I told him that we'll talk later. Oh and he haven't been texting me lately and the only reason he stopped is because he got no money to pay his phone...which is not so great. Why? Because he started calling me! HELP!!!
He just called from work again and we talked for a bit which felt like an eternity. You know when you're on the phone with someone but you're constantly looking for a chance to say goodbye because you know he or she will make another attempt?
|Jonathan: So what are you doing this friday? **Oh no, he's gonna ask me out again. |
Me: Oh my god, did I tell you that I did really bad on my midterms? I'm so depressed and I got so much to do!!
Me:...I think I'll study this friday.
Jonathan: ...oh **He was probably deceived.
Me: Anyways...I really gotta go back studying. Talk to you later?
Jonathan: Hey, but I'll call you on friday in case you change your mind. **NOOO!
I clearly know I should just tell him directly, but I don't know how. There isn't an easy way to do it and no matter what I say, it won't be a joy for him to hear it. At the same time, I'm so immature for not telling him and wasting his time. Better suffer sooner than later, right? I kind of hope he'd understand without me telling him so directly so that it'll not be that awkward in the future so we can still be friends...and I mean real and normal friends. Not less than friends nor friends with benefits...because that ain't frienship to me.
I met really great people in my life, many of which I met abroad, and the moments we get to spend together are really short. However, it's not the amount of time that matters the most; relationships are not defined by their length. Sometimes, the briefest encounters are remembered forever and it's often those short-lived moments that people are willing to fight for. Nevertheless, I can't help but find that unfortunate even if that's the beauty of it.
Jonathan is certainly one of those great people; what if one day we become strangers?...because I experienced that, and I'm sure even the best of us experienced that at some point in their life. If you really get to that point, you won't have the choice but to move on...but you'll still remember all the little things you've learned from that person and how that person played a part in making the person you've become today.
...but if you haven't gotten to that point yet, wouldn't try to avoid it?
I just want to stay friends.