Tuesday, 29 June 2010
I also remember how I always screw everything up to the last piece with every guy I meet just to regret and swear I will let go of everything, break the cycle and start anew...but I never did. I thought it would be that easy and I didn’t realize that it does take a lot of courage and effort. I guess it’s still a good thing that I at least realize what was going on but now, it's about time I find the courage.
So I got there, at Renan’s place, we were lying on his couch. He was telling me that I'm someone who gives their 100% in everything they do and he saw that passion in my eyes the first time he saw me. He saw it because he's a passionate person as well. It sounds so cute but I couldn't help but wonder if he said that to get laid. One thing for sure, I will never believe anything a guy says 30 minutes before and after sex; it never counts.
We started making out in his bedroom and he was dirty talking and I'm not really into that, haha. Then he was like "do you want to suck my big fat cock"?...When he said that, I burst into tears again. I know! This is the second time I cry in front of him. I really didn't want to cry because I know it is annoying when a girl doesn’t use her tears at the right timing...but I just couldn't hold it. What a baby right? He obviously lost his patience and left the room.
He came back few minutes later with tissues and asked me why. He thought it was his fault. I told him that every time he mentions the word "blowjob", it'd make me think about that guy who came to my place for a blowjob and how it traumatized me. I repeated three times before he understood what I was trying to say because I was crying so badly. There are lots of assholes who did things that are way worst but I never cared about any of them because I treated them like objects too and there were no feelings involved.
He even asked me if I were a virgin because he never had so much trouble with a girl. I think it would have been easier if he didn't say anything so cute and sweet because I'm just so horrified at the idea that he might be trying to mess with my mind and turn me into his slave. If he just said "Hey Elaine, I just want to fuck and then you can go home" instead, I think I would have done it with him already.
I was really in dilemma. I tried to think about the conversation I had with David earlier, I thought about the person I used to be; that carefree and happy girl and I thought about everything I’ve learned. I really want to step out of my comfort zone and take a risk. So finally, I decided to follow my heart.
But guess what…
Right after we had sex, he asked if I wanted to have a threesome; me, him and another girl. I said no. So, he started explaining why it will be such a good idea for me and of course, he has to precise that it's for me…when in fact it’s mainly for his own enjoyment. If it were really for me; it would be 2 guys and me, y’know. He was telling me how it could be a great experience and blah-dee-blah. He was looking at me with his intense green eyes, telling me some cute stuff and how he’ll make me squirt and that we'll do it regularly, ha. I was thinking...regularly? Please dude, I don't even know if I'll see you again. Okay now, Elaine, don't believe one word he says, he just fucked you and now he will try to lure you into the fuckfriend thing.
Obviously, I became a bit cranky. He really thinks I’m that innocent just because I’m 10 years younger. He even said that if he didn't get anything out of me by the third time, he'd lose his patience...which means that I have to keep that guy sexually happy if I want something more. Pretty dumb.
When I think about what happened that night again; all the hints tell me that he wants a fuck friend. He always talks about how he wants to do this and that with me, but I really don't believe a word. And there's always something he has to mention about his ex-girlfriends, it annoys me! It's like…everyone has ex’s and no one cares about them. He told me I should work in a strip club....Oh and he also told me that if a guy asks me to go for coffee with them, I should not act so stuck up and go with them and see where it might lead to. What the fuckin fuck! Everything tells me that he only wants sex.
He was all like "you never had a big dick like mine, huh"? I didn't even answer him because the truth is that, I had, ha. That guy really has a big ego...just like me. He thinks he's that smart and brags whenever he can. Anyways, boys...let them win, right?
Then yesterday, I was logged on facebook while I were in class and he asked for naked pictures and that we should "hook up" this week and that I should "cum" over his place and blah blah blah. He always makes comments on my ass such as "I appreciate the finest things in the world and your ass being one of them", he probably only likes my ass. Sometimes I feel like asking him "dude, is my ass the only thing you ever see”?!
...am I thinking way too much?
You know how they always say that whatever doesn’t destroy you makes you stronger? But what makes you stronger doesn't necessarily make you happier. What they should say instead is whatever doesn't destroy you makes you more insensitive, so you won't feel it as much next time you get hurt and you’ll eventually become numb if you repeat that too many times...which also means that it'd be harder to find something that will make you happy. And you know what? I don't want to be numb. I want to be happy and I don't care if I get hurt again because I already got hurt everywhere anyways, there's nothing Renan can do to hurt me anymore.
I like his personality and I like what he does. There's a little part of me that hopes that it will turn out to be great, that he didn't lie to me and that I thought too much. I don't know him enough to make a clear decision right now but like I said, I’ll take that risk. Progress always involves risk. I'll continue to have fun with him and I’ll turn my brain off; I won't analyze anything, I won't hold prejudices against him and that also means that I won't believe a word he says until I find something that I can base my trust on. And I mean a real gesture...not just words that aren't worth anything.
If I find myself starting to fall in love before I find that base, I'll just say goodbye before it's too late. You know I'm capable of doing that. I learnt from him that if you want to stay alive, you'll always have to constantly imagine all the possible scenarios when you're riding and have an exit plan ready in case shit happens. An exit plan, eh? He always tells me how good he is at anticipating things, so if he can't anticipate that then...too bad!
For now, I'll enjoy the moment.
Sunday, 27 June 2010
Then he texted me the following:
Oh and his name is Renan.
Renan: Hey sexy thang! It's Renan. Tomorrow, I'll take you for a ride after class **Again, he did not ask whether I want to go for that ride or not...
Me: Yay! See you tomorrow!
Renan: Must say...you got an amazing ass, miss. Can't wait to see it proped up on my backseat!
Me: Dang, you check out my ass during class?! lol
Renan: I had to pinch myself a few times to get refocused :P Your next step, get yourself a pair of tight white pants...you're going to drive me nuts. **Yuck, what kind of girls wear white pants?!
Haha, isn't he so direct and honest?! I like that.
I like the fact that he never really asks me whether I want it or not; isn't that so manly? He's such a decisive big man that it makes me look like a little girl in front of him. He's so wise that I never bother arguing with him because I know he's right. Also, he's 10 years older than I am and he seems to have done so much in his life; there's a lot I can learn from him. I know many people his age who haven't accomplished shit yet and are still at school. Maybe it's also because he started off being my instructor so I still have that impression that we're in such position where I need to shut up and listen because he has "authority"? It just feels funny.
Then today after class, we went for that ride! Sometimes, he would grab my legs, once again, without my permission.
Me: Can you stop touching my legs?!
Renan: I won't stop, so what are you gonna do?
Me: Hit you.
Renan: Do it. **%^#@%^%!
Honestly, it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. On the other hand, I really love how he doesn't hesitate and knows exactly what he wants and he just goes for it. We arrived at his place for a drink; he lives in a nice condo, well-decorated and clean. I must say I was impressed.
We had a beer, talked for a bit and he wanted to kiss me but I pushed him away. "Not comfortable yet?" he asked. Eventually, I just let him. A bit later, we went for lunch together because he said that if we stay longer in the room, he would rape me haha. We came back in his condo and started kissing again. I can tell he was into it but me, all I were really thinking about is how maybe that guy only wants sex. I really didn't want to and I told him clearly. When he tried to go further, I told him to stop and he replied that he doesn't like "stops", ha. Since he is so direct, he asked for a blowjob.
When he said that, I started crying right in front of him. I were already feeling a bit pushed around when he kept trying to go further but when he said the word "blowjob", it reminded me of someone and some incidents that I should've forgotten by now. It's stupid how it's been over a year ago, but I still remember everything; how one little careless thing he said back then made an irreversible impact in my life. I feel helpless not knowing whether I'll ever get over craps that no ones cares about. What if that happens again? What am I going to do to not affect people who will come into my life? I really don't know.
Renan: Tell me what happened...
Renan: There must be something and I can help you.
Renan: You're making things complicated now.
I always knew how I make things complicated, but that guy had the guts to tell me right in my face that I'm complicated and that I'm fucking things up. The word "complicated" made me want to tell him everything, so I did because maybe it doesn't have to be that complicated?
RenanThat guy is a douchebag
Me: He's not...
Renan: He's not?!
Me: He probably thinks I'm a slut too, y'know.
He told me that I need to forget about that person and I can do that because now, I can start a blank sheet with him and that I can color on it however I want it. Then he was just hugging me, kissing me, trying to make me stop crying, telling me that I could just tell him everything directly. I thought he was so sweet but I've seen so many sweet talkers already, I know what's that all about; an elaborate scheme to get laid. What if one day, I find out that everything he said was bullshit? I want to believe him but I'm second-guessing everything he tells me. I want to be honest but I'm on my guard all the time...How can I not be anyways?
I like his personality but we're pretty different; he's just a simple guy who wears his heart on his sleeves and I’m that sceptic, stubborn and complicated girl who doesn't know how to express herself. We're different but he sees through me. At the same time, I don't think he's patient enough for someone like me who needs more time.
I feel like I'm writing all of this just to convince myself that it's a bad idea so I won't be deceived later. I like to think that this whole thing is just dangerous, and that he’s probably a scumbag like the rest of them, and that actions speak louder than words, and that I have reasons to have my guard up. Then at the same time, I really wish it could rush into things and be able to enjoy that while it's still here. I want to be happy and be able to tell everyone that it's the best thing that's happened to me in a long time and make everyone jealous.
Finally, I stopped crying...
God, I probably looked horrible.
Me: Are my fake eyelashes falling off?
Renan: No...and stop being sad for him, you didn't miss anything because now, you have that. **And he showed me his dick, haha.
Did I just over-analyzed everything?
He said I can call him anytime if I want to talk, hang out or anything...but I think I'll wait a bit. I need some time to think about all of this and make a very clear decision before I see him again.
PS.: By the way...he's got a big one!
Friday, 25 June 2010
So I decided that I need a little break too!
Monday, 21 June 2010
Do I look patient? because I had to wait 3 hours to get my hair done.
I don't know how but, they lost the dress that I was supposed to wear.
They gave me dresses that I didn't try at the fitting.
The worst is that one of the pants didn't fit me!!!
Then you know what happened? I got pissed, obviously. Who wouldn't be?
So I complained and blah blah blah. Phil was really nice and tried as much as he could to solve the problems. I really admire that guy. It was so messy and he worked with such a positive attitude while handling the pressure. On top of that, he had to deal with an annoying princess like me. I know how annoying I can be at times.
Eureka was like..."Everyone kept asking me if you're mad, why doesn't anyone ask if I am mad"? Haha, she's so cute.
Don't I look pissed on the pictures? Well, because I actually was pissed haha...
"We pissed you off because we need someone who looks mad to pull that off"...Haha, sure :)
He was sweating so badly around his neck and his shirt was almost wet...but it's just soooo damn sexy because you're just behind watching and you can feel his ribs moving when he turns. His ripped jeans, black helmet and flashing green eyes...I seriously almost fainted.
M. Instructor: Do you know anyone who has a bike?
M. Instructor: Well, now you have me. You don't have a jealous boyfriend I hope?
Such a typical question...and then it's gonna go something like this; Oh, you don't have a boyfriend? I speak chinese, I know how to say "ni hao ma" and I love chinese food and my dog loves chinese food too, which school you go to? Oh yeah? Me too! Then you know what? We should totally hang out sometimes since we got so much in common. Your number is? Blah-blah...blah.
I know what's going to happen already.
Friday, 11 June 2010
On my last night of abroad studies, sitting in front of a club watching drunk people walking out, I learned the real meaning of living everyday like it's your last. There are things that, although foolish and immoral, don't need any reason for its worth to be perceived.
As I was walking by his room with my luggage and ready to leave, I learned about the pain of the unspoken words urging to be said and heard but forced to be retained in the hope to not cause any more damage.
On a plane flying back at the end of an enriching journey, I learned that love allows you see the beauty of the most unattractive city and it can motivate you to leave the most beautiful ones similarly.
In an appartment while the dog was cheerfully jumping around trying to get my attention, I saw the impact of irreversible actions on other people's life by the most brutal means. The greatest punishment is to be subject to the whip of your own remorse
On the last day of the year 2008, I recognized that the most simple and little things can make you the happiest in the world, but only if you allow it. I learned that it can be a form of blessing if you're able to accept and appreciate that.
As I was making one of the most important decisions in my life, I learned that love can become selfish and greedy despite the fact that it's real and unconditional.
On my dad's birthday, I learned that relationships are not defined by their length. It's the misfortune of brevity that makes up the beauty of short acquaintances.
Lying sick in a small room where only the noise of the fan can be heard, I understood that I wasn't alone in the world and I can no longer go around saying that I don't give a damn. I learned to take better care of myself for those people who love me.
On a warm and sunny day near the end of summer, sitting on a bench in front of the hospital, I learned that sometimes as much as you love someone, you can be the destructive element in their lives. I learned to make the conscious decision to walk away from them, even if it means to silently accept all the blame. Let it go, and be a better friend towards the next person.
In an empty computer lab at school on the first weeks of winter, I realized the effect of my baggage as I saw their reflection in my actions. I learned that to be loved is to be lovable. I determined to let go of everything, including the good ones to be able to start anew and give people a clean slate.
Near the last day of 2009, I learned that carefree actions, although inconsiderate, are the liveliest. Most importantly, I learned that raw and unguarded love, without that selfish prudence, is the most precious.
In the library of school standing in a busy line-up, I learned that denial only gets you to carry longer the people and incidents you wish to forget.
As the snow slowly started melting, I learned that happiness isn't someone that just shows up; it's something you have to work toward. I took charge of myself and accepted the blame for my own misfortunes, and responsibility of my faults.
On the balcony of a club watching people dancing, I learned that love doesn’t fall on your lap every weekend.
On my way home after a night class, I understood that the ones who care to investigate your past will never be able to help you move forward. I learned to get rid of unhealthy influences and never look back again.
At the first sight of spring, sitting in a Starbucks watching people passing by, I learned that you cannot do wrong without suffering wrong. Dishonesty and disgraceful actions will always eventually be punished.
In the parking lot in front of a buffet, I learned that love that remains due to the agreement in opinion is not as memorable and unrelenting as the ones that persist through divergence of opinion and years of denial.
In a Carlton store, as I were looking through the cards, I learned that despite the amount of inflicted hurt, the grudge and misguidance once involved; there is always room for forgiveness.
Lastly, I learned to embrace the moment because everything inevitably changes, maybe not now, but it eventually will. I remember how I secretly hoped that love that fell apart will fall back together at a better timing. Although painful to face, the valuable lessons are important to understand because our attitude controls our lives. One day, sweet will surprisingly be found in the bitterness of its reminiscence.
Thursday, 10 June 2010
Well today, we got our make-up and hair done and then guess what? The show got cancelled because mother nature was PMSing. To be honest, I was thinking to myself "Oh the show is cancelled? I can go home to study then! YAY"! I'm such a nerd.
We're back tomorrow!
Tuesday, 8 June 2010
By the way, hi Shebiii!!!
So, I just met with a friend from France; his name is David. I actually met him 4 years ago, he went back to france half a year after that and came back recently. How we met? It was at Laboom, Mirlaine wanted to go to those french guys' place and David was one of their friends. I know right? It's a guy from a club...but it just happens sometimes that you meet the greatest people in the most fucked up circumstances. However, you'll not discover how great they are unless you open up, speak and share without inhibition. I respect him because he always treated me like a friend would and never made advances to me. I met Kevin in a club too, y'know.
I was just a stupid kid back then, I knew nothing about the world; we were not nice to each other the first time we met, then we spent hours talking about random stuff on his bed half-drunk, I still remember we talked about gay porn. Once, I puked in front of him and he even took a picture of me puking. He wanted to show me the picture but I refused to see it haha...and now we're still in touch! Crazy, eh?
Monday, 7 June 2010
I think I always knew but I was never careful enough. Sorry to sound like a bitch but everyone wants you to fail to make themselves feel better because they are just that negative...especially girls.
Sunday, 6 June 2010
For some unknown reasons, I always thought that train tracks yielded something very intriguing. So, I was passing near by a train track this saturday morning, very early in the morning by the way. I felt that wind blow through my hair and I just had that sudden urge to pack all my things and leave this place forever....
...but I'm still here because there are things I need to accomplish for some people I feel responsible for.
It's too easy to leave.
I wish I were careless enough to take the easy way out.
Friday, 4 June 2010
You are very superficial even though you say you're not just to not sound like an ass.
You care way too much about the image you project in public...even when no one's watching you.
Your jokes are boring but I laughed at them anyways because I have laughing disease. I still like the fact that you try.
You're a planner and you like to plan things to the last detail and that's why you're successful and reliable.
You're such a perfectionist that you would lie about anything to cover up little flaws.
You would give up anything for your career...but I know that's not only because it's your passion. You want to be the best and you can't accept failure.
You think you're above me just because you're born a few years earlier.
You have a lot to prove to your family and friends.
You watch porn A LOT...but you said you don't. It's okay, y'know.
You were trying to get over your ex-girlfriend when we met.
You were a nerd in high school...your friends too were nerds. And now you will start telling me that I'm a bigger nerd.
You're conscious about your height...that's one of the reasons why you like Asian girls.
You had many rules to follow when you were younger.
You think you're handsome...oh well you actually are.
You don't smile on pictures because you had crooked teeth before so you're not used to it.
You're ambitious but you take everything including yourself way too seriously.
You always have to know every single detail of every random crap because you want to be in control.
You should learn how to relax.
You might invite me to big parties but in fact, you prefer low-key social occasions with close friends.
You like to show off. Things that other people have...you must have them too.
You think all women are gold diggers...except your mom.
You thought you knew me then but you actually knew nothing...now you do.
You think I knew you then but even now...I can't say I do.
You think I don't have a life just because I study all the time...but you don't know why I do so.
You read my blog because you think I'm smart and pretty...but way too fucked up and immature. You also want to know if I miss you and whether I'll write about you. Let me tell you that you're also the most fucked up person I met because of all the points mentionned above and that's why I miss you.
That would be how much I think I know about you.
No need to tell you that I've been super fucked up busy lately.
1- I will be walking Grand Prix's fashion show; It takes place on the main stage on Peel street on June 10-11-12 I think. I don't know at what time yet but I'll let you know. So come support me!
2- I need to drop at least 10 pounds in 2 weeks...I'm 138 lbs right now! Okay...I know no one cares about that, haha. I like the way I look right now but I just prefer being skinnier. Don't hate me for that!
3- I'm super happy because I've been working out and eating very healthy lately; drinking lots of water, eating more fruits, veggies and yogurt (I hate the taste of it), drinking less coffee...and most importantly; NO MORE FOOD AFTER MIDNIGHT!