Monday, 30 August 2010
While you dream of growing wings, please remind yourself that as much as those burdens are heavy to carry; only what is heavy has value. When that weight of value and compassion is given up; your movements become free like a bird...but without that intense fulfillment of weight, they are as well insignificant.
Sunday, 29 August 2010
I'm packing my stuff.
Finally, I'm going on vacation tomorrow; my well-deserved vacation!
I'm going somewhere with bright sunshine, sky blue beach, warm sand, waving palm tree, suntanned boys, perfect bodies and friendly atmosphere; CUBA! I need to enjoy a slice of the good life so badly; abandoning everything in montreal and escaping from reality even if it's just for a little while...
Thursday, 26 August 2010
Life must me lived forward, but it can only be understood backwards...so I go backwards and take a trip to myself.
TJ wrote to me saying that he might visit Montreal but I will be away unfortunately :(
TJ is not that much older but he is very wise; perhaps one of the wisest I've met. He has an interesting approach to perceive his surroundings and life in general; it captivated me. I remember how I gave a great deal of thoughts to our conversations because he’s the exact kind of person who could give you some meaningful insights...
There's a question that's been bothering me lately. Mirlaine came to my place earlier this week; we talked about how we used to act so playful, cute and lovely to everyone. However deep inside, we really didn’t care about anyone and wouldn’t mind breaking anyone’s heart; we only wanted everything for us. It's shallow but the worst is that guys would buy that. Even now, some of those guys I dated years ago still call me sometimes trying to get back with me.
...but now, I just constantly have something mean to say and wear that bitch-face permanently. I can't even say anything like "I miss you" and I don't know how to compliment people either. Even when I try hard to be nice, patient and all that, I just can't; something blocks me.
When I first met TJ, I was rude to him and said loads of hurtful words even when I cared about him. It was the first time I noticed that strange comportment. I thought that it was a phase; all I needed was perhaps just some time to heal, right? As time goes by, and it's been over a year now, I realized that nothing changed. Maybe time isn't always the solution to everything? "Do you think I have a problem?" I finally asked him.
I know. Did I just sound so insecure?
He got back to me with another message. "You're a sweet heart softy[...] I think you're pretty sensitive person even though you don't like to admit it [...] You probably learned to try to block some of those emotions with negativity, or pushing people away. etc. It's natural to want to protect yourself and actually, it can be very subconscious" he wrote. When I finished reading this, I smiled. For once, someone didn't use the word "complicated" or "monster" to describe me. Don't we all want to be understood once in a while? When we were abroad, he once told me that we're alike in many ways, which I didn't acknowledge back then, but now I can see why. It feels good to know that someone actually understands me.
I played a game about self-knowledge with someone recently; it's called the cube. Basically, one person asks you to describe a cube, a horse, a storm and a ladder. They all represent different aspects related to yourself. The interpretation of the given descriptions can be a great way to learn about each other.
This is what I came up with:
(The ladder and the horse will not be discussed in this post.)
The interpretation of the cube is quite interesting; it represents myself and as you see, I drew a very small one in the perspective of the scene. "How can someone with a big ass ego like you draw such a small tiny cube? You don't look like a humble person at all..." that someone said. He’s right; everyone knows that I'm too far from being humble. On the other hand, I do recognize that I'm just a little being in this big world. This is probably why I drew a small cube; I don't believe I'm significant enough to exercise any influence over people in any way nor do I want to. I'm very ordinary; I care about a few people who mean a lot to me and I simply want to be happy. The cube I drew is abstract and has a uniform blue color. I read somewhere that blue symbolizes wisdom, loyalty and confidence.
As for the storm, it represents my current problems and my attitude towards them. My storm is a tornado. It's far away in the background; it's not moving towards me but I can see that it's there. Since it's in the background, the problem itself doesn't appear to have any significant effect on my life. In the case it does, it means that my attitude could be a factor. In fact, there are times I catch myself not wanting to heal...
As much I would like to blame others, I won't. I forgive everyone including myself. I will accept the responsibility for my own abandonment. "Change is an action; it has to be actively pursued for it to occur. I don't know if I'd call it a problem, but if you feel like it's negatively affecting your life, then you should do something to change it." TJ reminded me today. I will remember this as I make another attempt to change for the better. Never underestimate someone’s capability to change; it's the whole point of life to change and grow. This time however, I won’t rely on time because nothing happens unless someone wills it to happen.
Loving like you've never been hurt is not easy at all, but nothing that is worthwhile is ever easy.
Sunday, 22 August 2010
My brain automatically goes blank when he comes to mind; I can’t think about much at all and I can't remember anything. I thought I moved on until the other day, late in the evening, I spotted a repsol parked in the old port. At the thought that he is possibly nearby, my stomach twisted slightly, my eyes watered a little and skipped beat were felt over the chest. I soon forgot what I was doing; I just started looking around, among the crowd of people, hoping we would happen to cross paths again. Then, I saw something shiny far away; I could recognize a man holding a black helmet watching a show that was given on the street. So I ran across the street and slowly walked closer...and I realized that it wasn't him. At that instant, I woke up and I remembered everything at once...
...and so I questionned myself; Why do you even want to see him, Elaine? What were going to say if it was actually him? Are you going to be happier? Idiot.
Wednesday, 18 August 2010
People continually come and go but the memories they leave behind will stay imprinted. There are too many times I wish I could just forget about everything because the truth is that I'm not as strong as everyone thinks and I'm too tired to continue learning lessons...
I will remember this but right now, I just want to step back, relax and breathe new air. Alone, but never lonely.
I feel better these few days; My friends are around, I get to spend some time with my family and I'm going on vacation soon...but there's actually one more reason. That reason is very dumb. It's so dumb that I will not give too much details. There was that day I was so sad that I couldn't sleep..so I called someone. "Hello...Hello?...Hello?!...Hello" he said. I know that person would've listenned even if I came out of nowhere but, I finally didn't say a word. He's that one person that I want to hate...but just thinking of all the silly things about that person really cheers me up.
I might not have the chance to tell you face to face; Thank you.
Thursday, 12 August 2010
Sometimes I wonder what I did wrong, how is it my fault? But the truth is that I didn't do anything wrong. Complexity in people's behaviour is actually a reflection of the complexity in the environment in which we find ourselves...so I'm sorry if I'm not lucky enough to be one of those perfect people living in a perfect world and I'm even more sorry for not actually feeling sorry, ha. I wish I were just an innocent and simple girl who lives in a pink world but how unrealistic that would be, right? There are lots of things I didn't choose but I learned to accept the blame for my own misfortunes.
They say that I should apply the KISS pricipal; keep it simple, stupid...but there's a problem here because that statement implies that simplicity comes before complexity, which is mostly wrong. Only those who cannot understand me will find that I'm complicated. You gotta make an effort to understand first and simplicity will only result when you're able to make sense of that complex data. Therefore, simplicity comes after complexity.
Keep it simple, stupid? Yeah, you gotta be stupid.
Everything looks more complicated than they actually are to most people because most of them don't know how to look at things the right way; they aren't wise nor are they considerate enough. If you're one of those people then you probably need prescription glasses to help you look further than your small dick.
I refuse to deal with people who only understand me when it's convenient for them.
I'd rather be complicated than boring.
PS.: Thanks Baldwin :)
Saturday, 7 August 2010
It's funny to say this but I really don't have anyone to call; everyone seems so busy with their own lives. I never knew how awful it is to be alone and that no one can hear you cry. You could die and no one's going to be there to save you. I never cried so much in my life; I thought I wouldn't be able to stop. I told myself to not think, to go to bed earlier...but I couldn't.
He told me to move on because he fell in love with an awesome girl and that I should take care of myself. He also told me that life rewards those who risk most and to remember to not start something with walls up expecting a warrior to tear them down.
Is this a cruel joke? Did someone just have fun playing with my mind?
Every single word hurts because he really didn't care when he said them.
I don't know what to say...
I'm aware that after some incidents, I became very bad-tempered and always unintentionally, or maybe intentionally, said hurtful things to men in general...so often that I don't really know how to express myself anymore. I don't know how to heal myself. Although so slow and so reservedly, he's the only one I ever made an effort for; I told him everything and I hoped he would care and understand. I never cried in front of anyone but I cried in front of him when we barely knew each other. He still thinks he's so smart because he can see through me...but did he realize that it's not because he's smart but because I let him? I wanted to trust him...but I wasn't fast enough in learning to trust someone again. It's not true that I expected a warrior to tear the walls down; I simply expected him to give me some time and to reassure me, that's all. Am I asking too much? It seems like everything is my fault now.
He thinks I didn't risk...but I did and I opened up to him...if I didn't then he wouldn't have been able to hurt me like he's doing right now. He's so inconsiderate, impatient, unreliable and selfish that I knew he wouldn't be able to help me rebuild my confidence in relationships. I'm a very selfish person too but he doesn't know that I'd rather change myself to adapt to him. Whoever hurts you the most is also the one most worth it.
I don't regret anything but I seriously can't take anymore of this.
No one mentions him again, please.
Friday, 6 August 2010
Sometimes, I get e-mails from readers telling me that they admire the fact that I'm full of life, fun and open-minded and I'd doubtfully think to myself "Really? Is that how I am"? Then I read my older posts and it's like...yeah, that was definitely me until I got blinded by recent experiences.
I've been thinking a lot these few days. Since when did something so simple requires so much thinking and considerations? Instead of going so blindly with the flow, I'd rather do what I'm afraid to do and if I ruin everything then...so what? I've done and seen worst.
It's so simple and it's all I wanted to say. I also told him that he taught me a great lesson in the art of starting over and I invited him over so I can cook for him. I had to tell him because I cannot regret. I had to tell him because this is unguarded, it's generous...and it's without that selfish prudence. I didn't need to calculate how I will be compensated and in fact, it already seems like a dead end to me but I learned that carefree actions are the liveliest. It's worth everything and it doesn't need a reason.
Everyone's tired of my depressive posts and I'm tired of them too. It's time to wake up. It's about finding myself again; the one who doesn't know what's right, what's wrong, but knows exactly what makes her happy.
I'm too thickskinned to be embarrassed and I'd rather regret something I did than something I didn't do.
Thursday, 5 August 2010
Tell me how it feels to be
The one who turns
The knife inside of me
There are so many times I just want to call him crying and tell him I miss him...but I know clearly that it won't help in any way. There are also those times, I really hate him for wasting so much effort to make me fall for him just so I can cry to those few parting words...so caring yet so cruel. I'd rather have him tell me that he hates me and never wants to see me again.
It was a lie when I said I won't cry for him again.
I really don't know what the hell I'm doing.
Wednesday, 4 August 2010
牵你手 靠着你 而欲语还休
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
...but now, I finally picked up his habit and learned to appreciate that. The only difference is that he's not here anymore.
I miss him.
Sunday, 1 August 2010
Could things have been different if I told him the truth from the beginning instead of letting my bad acting skills ruin everything? If I told him, would he have been patient and understanding enough?...but now I know that he just doesn’t care about the things I care about because he doesn't understand. I don't blame him...it's no one's fault. It's even hard for us to communicate...Without communication, there is no trust and without trust, feelings are restrained. That's one of the reasons why nothing I say ever comes out right; I don't know how to show it to him that I care.
It's funny how it's usually when someone's gone that you learn most about that person. He's way more rational than I am. To be honest, I also clearly know that we're very different and our differences didn't compensate for the lack each other. On top of that, our similarities pushed us apart. Both of us are very strong-headed; he wants to be the leader and I refuse to follow. Our needs and perceptions are different too. It takes tolerance and patience to see through these differences and similarities. He always says that I'm the one making things complicated. The truth is that I didn't make things complicated; it's our differences and similarities that did...and it's his unwillingness to tolerate and eagerness to lead that made it worst. He didn't think it was worth the effort.
Why make it so hard on yourself, right? I wonder why I did as well...
However, I'm still glad he knows what he wants and made that decision. I know he didn’t lie this time because there’s no point to keep someone content when there are no benefits in doing so anymore. His ability to take difficult decisions makes him ambitious; he knows how to get what he wants and works hard to achieve it, it’s also what attracted me to him at first. At the same time, that trait is so strong in him that it overrules everything. He's so rational and calculating that I sometimes wonder if he has a heart. I guess aging does make people become indifferent.
I told him that he can find someone better every single day and he can upgrade all the way he wants...but perfection doesn't last and even the best of the best has flaws. He can keep going after perfection but he will end up getting nothing in the end. You just have to go with your heart because there are things that can't be calculated with numbers. It confuses me how he said he likes me and made all those promises yet, he doesn't make the effort to accept who I really am. He could've at least gave me some time. I hoped he'd think about it and understand but he just thought that I didn’t respect his wishes...but I actually do. I'd beg him to stay if I didn't respect his wishes.
Ha, that reminds me of who I used to be a year ago. I used to be a lot more stubborn than that; I forced everything into the way I wanted them to be and couldn't let go of things. Things change, people improve and I did; I will continue. I hope he does too and I wish him the best.
...but I'm still pissed and hurt.
That really wasn't enough and I miss him.
Is it stupid if I want to see him again...someday at a better timing?
Is it true that everything happens for a reason?
Anyways, today is the last day I cry for him.
Bye Bye, Renan.