Hi kids

Wednesday, 29 September 2010

I'm just trying to take a nice picture of my fat ass so I can post it on my very public blog... because I'm immature like that haha...♥

The past summer: Goodbye and good riddance

Sunday, 26 September 2010

Mind made up. Finally crawling out of solitude, crawling to the start of summer, rushing into its energy. Burning bridges with some, celebrating paths recrossed with others, starting over. Working out again, setting new goals, accomplishing projects, adjusting to the craziness of my everyday. Hesitantly accepting the helping hands offered, welcoming new people in my life. Hoping to satisfy, to please, find comfort. Compromising, improving, attempting to compensate for the effort lacking in the past. Tolerating flared tempers, know-it-all bullshits. Being pushed back downwards, backwards in the confusion, abandonment, devastation. Learning lessons, escaping from life. At last, accepting all blames and crawling back to solitude.

Solitude is not to be confused with loneliness. Solitude is peaceful; it’s when no allowance is made to the eyes watching. As I grow, I quickly learnt to appreciate its lost art. Solitude is the best time for reflecting, quietly contemplating, creating and focusing on personal goals which in turn leads to critical breakthroughs or self-discovery. Solitude stipulates our desire to explore; it aliments our curiosity about the unknown and the world around us...

…but at this moment, I’m withdrawing from the chaos and blames. I’m unconnecting from all my relationships, responsibilities and social networks...in order to
gradually restore, crawl out of solitude once more and over again, crawl to wintertime and rush into its charm

Delicate Balance

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

I recently did a shoot with Von Wong for the designer Andy Nguyen's telio-winning suit titled "languishing". This is one my most difficult shoots because I had to be hung from a ceiling and wore a face strap for over 2 hours, but the results amply justify it.

Most of the time, the meaning that images try to convey is differently perceived by each of us. That's because our musical compositions and dictionaries are already more or less complete, and every word, every musical note, every object means something different to every of us. I want to share this not only because the concept is interesting but most importantly, something clicked in my mind when I saw those photos. It sets things right and I'm thankful I finally realize this...

I should start by explaining that the black version represents the stronger outer shell that we show the world and of course, the white version is the soft and vulnerable inner core. Together, they build a body where anger, pain, happiness, dreams and hopes are all accumulated inside; the whole is frightening yet so beautiful. Unfortunately, not everyone can perceive the beauty of it; some will even attempt to cherry-pick the more likeable side. The insecurities and pressure push both in attempting to stand on its own; the darker side tries to dominate while the softer side struggles to run away.

This is when we lose our stability and start transmitting confusing signals to outsiders. I'm sure for those who read my blog will see the reflection of these two extremes in my posts...

We're each other's worst enemies and we make each other's life a hell. On the other hand, no matter the amount of dispute, denial and divergence of opinion...we're incomplete without each other. We're weak without each other. We cannot be separated as we built each other up through the path we jointly walked...

In the end, we realize that each of us is strong in different senses and we compensate for the lack of each other. It's always when we decide to accept and support one another that we’re able to find that balance and to finally be at peace.

We're beautiful together and we'll continue to accompany each other on many journeys to come...

The end :)

Benjamin Wong
Models: Linda DreamDiamond (white version) and EJ (black version)
Hair: Eva Jinn
Lisa-Marie Charron
Andy Nguyen
Jo Gorsky and Kristofer Jensen


Tuesday, 21 September 2010

I'm perhaps doing this only because I'm eager to mark the end to the tasks that the old me left unaccomplished...and in all honesty, I’m completing these without the same motives. After all that reflection and the lessons learnt in between, I already arrived at new stage and naturally, the intent, meanings and motives behind changed accordingly. They went from innocent and caring to selfish, at some point evil and now, rational.

Despite everything...I still want to do this because I’m deeply marked by the generous and admirable thoughts once placed behind it. I’m getting it done for the old me; her motives were kind; mine’s are possibly selfish and neutral at best. I'm getting it done for her...so I can finally leave her behind as of today.

Just because.

Sunday, 19 September 2010

Underneath every intelligible lie is the unintelligible truth; the truth that not many found the ability and strength to appreciate. There isn't much I can do anymore...but there isn't much I can't do either. Despite the good, the bad and the residue in between that I ought to bear in mind, I want to do one last thing unsupported by reason and has nothing honourable to prove. I merely enjoy imagining that smile in transition at the thought that someone out there remembers one detail of the words carelessly said. What comes from the heart does not necessitate any reward. Such genuinity slowly grows rarer nowadays...but let's remind ourselves that it's really worth everything.

Stubborn and shameless

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

You stalkers totally cannot live without me, ha!

Anyone who dreams to achieve higher and become a better person will, at some point, suffer vertigo. Contrarily to popular belief, vertigo is not necessarily that fear of falling. It is beyond fear; vertigo is a desire to fall into what we once were so terrified of. It’s that eagerness to give up all we possess and fall into what we once fought hard to break the chains that tied us to.

A long familiar voice is calling me back; there is something blissful about the helpless and lonely days. There is something pleasurable in all that hatred, denial and disrespect. There’s something captivating in errors and mistakes. It’s almost hypnotizing. From time to time, that madness tries to lure me back…

Luckily, there's something that always picks me from that constant state of vertigo. An adequate amount of it is needed whenever I have to put in twice as much effort as others would because the truth is that I'm just not as smart as everyone thinks I am. I took initiative to better my life and it keeps me going whenever that pressure on my back becomes too heavy to bear. It keeps me sane and away from all unhealthy influences. That something that picks me from vertigo is a personality trait that has various names and labels.

A different name and definition exist for that same trait depending on the circumstances, friends and family’s opinions, society’s culture, ethics, religion and so on. Persistence, stubbornness, obstinacy, tenaciousness, determinedness, hard-headedness …or even pig-headedness are all synonyms for the same trait.

The only difference is that persistence, tenaciousness and determinedness are positive terms for the simple fact that everyone approves your idea. On the other hand, stubbornness, obstinacy and pig-headedness have negative connotations because no one agrees with you.

Differently said, it means that you’re only considered persistent when you have a vision that aligns with the majority…but it becomes stubbornness when your vision is that of which no one understands. You’re tenacious when you refuse to let go of things considered worthy by society...but you become pig-headed if that worth is lost in the eyes of the public.

As for me, I’ve been called stubborn repeatedly. I don’t think I ever argued back nor did I try to convince anyone of the opposite because there’s something ironic about it; attempting to convince others that you’re not stubborn is a stubborn act in itself. Everyone can say the right words at the right timing but in the end, only actions matter.

What are those people showing me by trying to convince me that their reason is more valid than mine? Could it be possible that those people are unsatisfied for being unable to persuade me or to prove that they are more correct than I am so they call me stubborn to make me sound more wrong? Could it be possible that those people cherry-picked the more likeable traits of my personality and therefore, they feel like I should more resemble to the character they imagined me to be? Who knows.

I realized that they will always talk you down for that trait.
They will always talk like it is a character flaw.
I know a lot of those people whose intelligence is just so stupid…

In fact, I don’t even get offended anymore because it is basically just to say that I know what I want but they have no means to understand it because they haven’t seen what I’ve seen. As simple as that.

In the end; I’m the only one knowledgeable enough to judge my own actions.
You can call me stubborn and all you want, I'm shameless about it!

Out of sync

Monday, 13 September 2010

Situated above the Verkhoyansk Mountains two years ago, I realized for the first time that I were very limited and know only so little. The higher summits symbolized the new and more complex questions that continually inspire us to acquire new knowledge that will serve us in answering them.

Observing my life and current situation from far away is not new to me anymore…but I still learn a great deal and never failed to discover new answers every time I do so. On the other hand, I always come back feeling out of sync with people…and very out of touch. Sometimes, solitude is perhaps that disadvantageous aspect of growing, at a different pace, unaccompanied...

Guantanamera, Guajira Guantanamera~

Friday, 10 September 2010

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming - WOO HOO what a ride!" - Maxine cartoon

I never liked the way I look tanned; I think it makes me look like a farm girl. My skin is so badly sunburned and the color is very uneven; I'm almost able to peel my skin off. I also have scars of mosquito bites everywhere on my legs. That also means that my ability to book photoshoots will be very limited until winter time...but you know what? I don't regret one bit!

I fell in love with Cubans and that friendly atmosphere. That genuinity really warms up the heart...

...walking around the beach lighthearted, picking up pretty sea shells, drawing the name of the one you miss the most on the sand, taking a nap listenning to music you love. The good life it is.

...oh and the food of course!

There was that night, we met some boys from Hamilton and had a few drinks with them. The tipsy boys decided that we would hit beach at night and swim in the ocean under the stars. Honestly, I hesitated and almost chickened out because there wasn't anyone around and if anything happens...just to let you know that I'm not the best swimmer out there. "Are you scared?" Pierro screamed. God, I hate when people say that to me, haha. "Okay just do it, Elaine!" I told myself and without more second thoughts, I ran into the warm ocean and start screaming as loud as I could. I couldn't see anything except the shinning stars, the large and harsh waves only when they are about to hit me and an identifiable marine light far away. The most incredible part is to not be able to see what you’re swimming with, or how far out you’ve gone. It's a crazy sensation that brings out a mix of excitement and fear of danger; I had the best time!

Just some pictures in downtown of Varadero...

I'll miss everything about Cuba ♥

From Varadero to Guama

Thursday, 9 September 2010

Shebi and I mostly stayed in Varadero, which is a resort town. However, I think it's important, if you have the chance, to step out of the touristic zone for a bit and to explore the opposite side of your world and get a sense of reality that the locals live in everyday. There's a place where one bar of soap is shared between all family members for a whole month and where people do not complain about the food and are thankful for just one dollar. We all hear about the saddest stories in the news but too many people don't even blink an eye...It could be a whole different story if you get to perceive with your own senses; it widens your horizons and gives you a somewhat richer perception of life.

We went to Guama; a place known for its history and culture. We passed through some of the poorer towns in Matanzas province, visited a sugar cane factory, took a train to hit the farm with rich vegetation, ate lunch with hens and kittens strolling under the table, rode a speed boat to cross the marshy lake, accessed an Indian village and to finally made it to the crocodiles; we had tons of fun :)

Just some pictures...

...and yes, I'm sooo tanned, haha :)

Somewhere out there exist very simple reasons to be happy for...

Close your eyes, clear your heart and let it go

Tuesday, 7 September 2010


Last night was the best night ever; I'm still thinking about it...

The other day, Friday it was, we were just drinking in the lobby and saw a bunch of Asians who just arrived. They were obviously from Toronto and they were so noisy that they sounded like immigrants who left the jungle for the first time. In their group, all the boys looked alike; same hairstyle, same clothing style, same height, etc.

In the end, we all got along pretty well. They are all very nice.
Here's us having tons of fun :)

Then Sunday was my last full day in Cuba, which was yesterday. That night, there was a contest to win a free bottle of rum. One of the candidates was Johnny. I didn't notice him before because as I said; they all look alike…like typical white-washed Asian Americans, y’know. However, during the show, the way he danced and sang I want it that way from the backstreet boys was so charming that it grabbed my attention…

You are my fire
The one desire
Believe when I say
I want it that way

But we are two worlds apart
Can't reach to your heart
When you say
That I want it that way

“Here’s what I like” I thought to myself. I don't usually see a lot of things I like. That desire and appetite, that I've lost for so long, came back to life again. I couldn't get my eyes off him.

Afterwards, everyone went to the club and I was so determined to talk to that guy...but his friend Andy wouldn't leave me alone. Nothing ever happened with Andy; we just spent some time hanging around. He kept complaining that I’m stuck up, that I make him feel stupid, that I’m hard to understand...but I can tell he likes me because we talked until 6 AM and he didn't even want to leave. He’s nice but he’s just an average young boy who haven't done much with his life and still have a lot more to learn. In brief, he’s just not my type.

When Andy left to the bathroom, I went to Johnny, wrap my arms around him and said "Can I kiss you"? Haha. That was straightforward, huh? Can you imagine, out of nowhere, a complete stranger saying that to you? But it was my last night in Cuba and I had to make the most and the best out of it; I cannot regret. You have to follow your heart and break the rules once in a while, especially when you're abroad. "I guess you could" he said, looking surprised.

We went to the swimming pool, took our clothes off and jumped in the water. For some unknown reasons, everyone else followed us and sat by the pool to drink (???). Some girls were making mean comments because they were jealous...obviously. Apparently, he even has a girlfriend back home. Also, Andy saw that and probably got pissed. There were just so much disturbances but, we really just wanted to enjoy that moment. So, we pretended that they don’t exist and made out in front of everyone. That moment was eternal; it was as if nothing else in the world mattered anymore because we're in freakin' Cuba!

By the way, have you ever kissed someone in the water? Because I have and now you can all envy me, haha…

Me: Are you a doctor?
Johnny: No...but almost as good. I graduated from mechatronical engineering.
Me: Oh, so you’re a nerd!

I don't know much about Johnny. I’m curious about him, I wonder what he’s like in real life, but I didn't ask much because we're all in Cuba to have fun and to escape from our own problems, for a little while at least. I like that we didn't talk much; it thrills me even more. Besides, talk is cheap and words can be superfluous.

Finally we just fell asleep in each other’s arms. It’s not the first time I hook up with a stranger and I am normally not comfortable sleeping with someone lying next to me but this time, it was different. Everything was perfect; it just felt like it was the right timing and the right place to be. It's such a relief from scars and errors that used to cause so much pain in the neck. Honestly, I haven't thoroughly and completely enjoyed a moment, without all that analysis and thinking, in the company of someone in the longest time...and now I finally know that it's still possible.

"Why you gotta leave tomorrow?" he kept asking...but I guess it's always the misfortune of brevity that makes up the beauty of short acquaintances. We shared a rare and precious moment; it was stress-free, unchained, raw and unguarded…

It was actually only yesterday but now that I'm writing about this in my room in Montreal, it feels like it's been a dream. It's hard to believe that it's already over.

...but it's still a sweet closure that marks the end of a chaotic summer!
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