Sunday, 31 October 2010
I heard the most beautiful lies in my life and I once desperately hoped I were wrong and over-analysed things...so I forced myself to believe in what I doubted was the truth. Needless to say I regret it and I'll never let that happen again. Roses have thorns, remember this.
PS.: A message to liars: Don't lie to people who are smarter than you, ha.
Saturday, 30 October 2010
Here's what I'm briefly planning to do in the next 24 months, which might change slightly according to circumstances, obviously:
In 1 month:
-Catch up on class material
-Find another agency
-Drop at least 5-10 pounds
In 2-3 months:
-Graduate from accounting
-Apply in CA program starting in summer
-Apply for auditing jobs
-Read all the books I didn't have time to read
-Register at a gym...for real
In 4-5 months:
-Take some art, photography or writing classes
-Teach english somewhere in Asia
-Live like a local somewhere in the Third World
-Learn another foreign language
-Go backpacking in europe (and hook up with hot foreigners, haha)
In 6-12 months:
-Buy my dream car and drive across America
-Start graduate school
-Start working a real job
-Redo my whole wardrobe
-Redecorate my room
-Get my stupid motorcycle license
In 12-24 months:
-Graduate from CA program
-Pass the UFE and become an official CA (duh!)
-Do some volunteering in Africa
-Adopt 2 abandoned animals
-Start my business and be my own boss
-Write and publish a book
To be continued :D
Saturday, 23 October 2010
...I finally remember there was that day; I can't remember which one precisely. If there was one day you didn't lie to me, it must've been that one day. That day, your words were translated into actions; it was a symbolic promise to me. And if there was one day I were sincere to you, it must've been that day as well. I was holding on to you so tight while longing for a happier future. That day, I told myself to change for the better, to stop acting so crazy, to be good to you, to make up for things I did wrong, to learn to believe you…Those were the thoughts that went through my mind that day. I couldn’t express them into words. Words are only a mere disguise of the way I truly felt.
That was the bit of sweet I was searching for; the piece of memory that I was trying to recall and the only I will keep in mind. It's already enough of a reason to let go of the grudge. The weather is turning cold, but the sun fall is still as pretty. I just want to be happy and keep hoping for better days, but this time, without you.
Although I rarely dare to think back, there are still some of those days I walk around hopeful in finding that spice of sweet in the bitterness of reminiscence, a reason that could add some positivity to the memories left behind. I attempt to recall the good times we had and the things you did for me...but sadly, I haven't been able to remember anything. Nothing that could offset the sheer pain of the emptiness you caused.
While with all my heart I miss you still, I also start to enjoy the idea that we are destined to be strangers until the day we die.
Tuesday, 19 October 2010
Shooting nudes leads narrow-minded and conservative people to think in the direction of prostitution as nudity is commonly associated with sex. Following that reasoning, a woman is automatically categorized as a prostitute if she charges for nudity, which in my opinion is wrong.
It takes work to escape the values dictated by our society. It takes time to be able to get beyond the idea that being naked is only for sex. Once you understand that it can actually be for creative endeavors; it becomes appropriate to charge for nudity because the relationship between artists and models becomes another story. It's unique, it's different and it promotes new ways of thinking about the world around us.
Besides, the fact that not many are willing to shoot nudes results in low supply. That means models who do shoot nudes are able to charge more. Those gifted with a great body and confidence should be able to market it proudly.
Not that I want to sound conceited but, I'm probably smarter than those people judging me.
Wednesday, 13 October 2010
Nothing stays clear forever. In the midst of thousands of words, some are not easy to say. Showing a world that isn’t drawn with blinding comfort and plain self-interest is something I love to do. I once hoped to offer a new perspective; tell stories and illustrate a world that have my unique beginnings...
...but that also means showing others what to target in me. One thing always seemed to be forgotten: the power gained through the privilege of holding someone else's fear in your hand can only be achieved with their consent. Too often, that privilege is misused and disregarded. Fortunately however, what is disregarded doesn’t always fade away so easily.
The emotions that are hardest to leave behind are the ones condensed into the sharp-edged broken pieces once dipped in your own poison. What’s more unpleasant than being subject to the cuts of your own remorse?...The cuts that bring back the memories of the things deliberately ignored. The cuts that remind you that no one can do wrong without suffering wrong. The cuts that teaches the great meaning and value of basics…
So this is what you have come to, eavesdropping, spying, and desperately searching out your traces in my world. What does it feel like to see through the key hole to my galaxy? Reading my life that you don’t have access to, listening to words that aren’t dedicated you, to always be talked to but never the subject of the conversation? The underestimated delicateness is most cruel amongst all. It must hurt to be so knowingly ignored and to finally see things my way...
It's a world with my own beginnings...
Although not many saw, I can tell you’re not the only one. You will remember me...but you won't get to remember me as I am.
Sunday, 10 October 2010
The worst is that he thinks he’s such a pro with his little sweet talks and that all girls would fall for him. Yesterday, he was like "I want to spend every minute I have with you...I think I'm falling in love". It’s like...bitch please, I heard them all, seen them all and in much original versions too. Your version is comparable to your dick: average. Sweet talks are the cheapest kind of words because no one ever walks those sweet talks. It just gives me a reason to doubt him. On top of that, whenever he refers to things he wants to do with me in the future (when we all know that ain't gonna happen), it ruins the moment completely...
Everything he tells me is just dumb, but he's so conceited that he talks like it’s the most badass shit anyone can do in the world. That guy probably haven’t seen further than his little hometown in the north. You know what's funny? I think I was attracted to him at first because he dares to tell me what to do...but then I realized that I’m not able to put up with that, ha.
My friends would go “Oh, but he’s still kind of nice…” The problem is that he’s only nice when it’s convenient to him. Why am I still seeing him? Well, I guess it's entertaining...and convenient. I give back what he gives me. But you know what? I just texted him that I don’t want to see him again because it’s not convenient anymore; I have midterm exams, boy.
Then he wonders why I never sleep over. Well because he’s the kind of guy only good for a one night. I mean...a 5-minute.
Sometimes I wonder why do I always attract guys like him, and I think it's because I have the face of an innocent little good girl and that makes me seem easier to control and an easier target for hit and run? I never fool anyone; I let them fool themselves.
Hi, my name is EJ. I don’t go out, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I go to school, I study all day and I only had one boyfriend in all my life...and I'm so intimidated by big boys, hehehe...just look at the picture and you know what I mean :)
PS.: He just texted back saying that I'm a bitch...like it's a bad thing. See how he turned into an ugly piece of shit after he realized he failed? He deserves it and toward guys like him; a bitch is all you can be. It won't even surprise me if he begs me back so he can dumb me. Obvious shit. That was just funny.
Thursday, 7 October 2010
|Me: Why are you calling me?!|
SungEun: I don't have friends at school :(
Me: Aww that's so cute!
It was him who accompanied me on the phone when the cascade of emptiness has capsized my mind...and it was me who lent an ear to his yells of frustrations and overwhelming problems.
...I know in reality, we really don't give that much of a fuck about one another; I ain't sorry to make him worried and he couldn't care less that I see him in such a state...but it's for that reason that we always turn to each other. Does that make any sense?
Saturday, 2 October 2010
I’m not sure since when or why, but somewhere along the way, I started to adopt that mindset that expects all my relationships to go downhill eventually. I almost fantasize about the end of them…perhaps because the intolerable weight takes away the raw and unguarded moments that I yearn to live. That weight, although heavy on every move I make, is valuable and I still believe it merits the sacrifice. However, worth is subjective and what is seen as worthy is not necessarily what we deserve.
I have always thought it was my destiny to end up alone, living a life that is lighter than air, enjoying the days without tomorrows, taking things as they come, discovering new adventures hid around each corner… all in the absence of that heavy burden...
…then again, I really hope someone is able to convince me of the opposite. I often heard that when it’s perfect, no one has to bend or break, value doesn’t always cause back pain. The question is; does such perfection exist in reality or only in invented fantasy? Maybe there's something I still don't understand and have yet to discover...