Imaginary eyes

Saturday, 29 January 2011

We all need to be seen somehow, and to feel important. Kundera categorized people into four groups according to the kind of look they wish to live under. The first three categories include the ones who long for a large audience of anonymous eyes, the ones who need an entourage of familiar eyes and the ones who want to be before the eyes of the person they love. As for me, I inevitability fall into the fourth category, the rarest ones, the dreamers, the ones who live to be seen by an imaginary being.

It doesn't matter whether I'm going against his will or fighting for his approval, I just hope he sees. I want to be anything but forgettable to those eyes watching me from afar. Although he’s physically absent and I don't wish any different, his imaginary presence marks everything I do; it gives me a reason to be motivated for and everything to be sad for.

I fired my boss

Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Mango+Maple Syrup

I'm a firm believer of Adam Smith's "invisible hand" of individual self-interest theory. I believe that all businesspeople are evil. I should know that since I'm in business myself. While others were still hesitant, I was already certain that I was on the right direction. The infinite array of opportunities attracted me very early...but I also knew that only the evil and strong-willed ones can succeed.

Everybody thinks that Dominique, my manager, is so kind but to me, it only means that she's smarter and more likely to be successful. I never saw her as a kind person. Yesterday, she accused me under the guise of a "simple comment". It's not a comment that I cannot take. She commented on my clothes before, and I always took it well, y'know. But this time, it really wasn't a "simple little comment" like she claims. I tried to explain to her what really happened but she obviously didn't believe me. I confronted her...and it did get ugly. Like really ugly. Now, everybody will remember me for sure.

Ever since I were little, the one thing that made me feel the worst is to be wrongly accused. My dad used to accuse me for things I haven't done. My mom did it too. Almost everyone did; no one made the effort to understand me. I never had anyone to talk to. I cried a lot when I was misunderstood and I recognized that it's one of the most painful thing someone can go through. So at some point, I stopped justifying myself. But as much as I go around like I don't care, I really care more than anybody.

That woman already messed up my schedule last week and because of her, I couldn't do what I originally planned to do. I only got one life to live and I know clearly that those are things that will happen again many times but for now, I don't want to endure something that is not worth it. I'm tired of fake-smiling! It's all or nothing. It was my chance to fire her, and I did. I took all my stuff, slammed the door and left with style.

What would you do if there were no tomorrow? I ask myself that question quite often. There's an unexplainable depth to that seemingly foolish and unintelligible surface. You cannot see beyond that surface unless you totally emerge yourself in the liveliness of carefree actions. I'm really lucky I can still permit myself to act so carefree.

Drinking with a younger boy

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Oh my gosh. I had a really bad day yesterday, but it ended perfectly.

Yesterday, rehearsal was cancelled and I didn't know because my batterie died. So, I went there and saw my dance partner, Trevor, who also didn't know that it was cancelled. He said he wanted me make it worthwhile since I came all the way downtown, so he invited me to drink. He said it was the perfect chance to get to know his partner before the show. There's a part in our dance routine where I have to look at him in the eyes and flirt with him, but everytime I do so, I burst out laughing.

We went to that random isolated bar on Parc. There were less than 5 people in the bar including us...but I kind of liked the fact that there was nobody around.

By the way, did I mention that he's 2 years younger?! I know! Younger boys are so much trouble; they most often don't know what they want and tend to play games. I guess it's always case-by-case. I used to like older men because I thought they were wiser and more experienced. I love men who are more ambitious and smarter than I am. However, I soon realized that nothing becomes better with age, except red wine. Men get nothing but more wrinkles as they age.

I bumped into him once at Tonic before, he didn't even recognize me because of my raccoon eyes and long hair. He said I looked amazing, ha. I hear that all the time but it sounds so different because it's from a younger guy. It almost sounds innocent. Then he brought me and my friend to their table and right away, I was like...

Me: How old are you? **I knew he was younger
Him: Why?
Me: I got to know! **I don't drink with minors :P
Him: 26.
Me: Fuck no, you're not!
Him: Ok ok...I'm 21. **I later discovered that he ain't 21 but 20 on facebook. I'm so stalker.


Now that I think about last night at the bar, it was really different to talk to him. I don't know if that's because of his age or the fact that he's not from Montreal. He told me a lot of personal stuff and I did too. I told him things I never told anyone, like why I have never been able to seriously get involved with anyone. I almost wanted to cry after I said it. I guess that's the advantage with younger boys; they are so innocent that I didn't have my guards up for once. I also asked him about the crazy stuff he's done and everything he tells me is so noob. He makes me laugh though. Also, he's so damn sexy when he speaks in Mandarin! I could listen to him talk all day.

Me: I gotta go to the ATM.
Him: Why? You don't have to pay!
Me: No, but you're younger.
Him: Gosh! Stop with my age!

Hahaha, he's so funny. I like to tease him. He's a bit shy, I think.

Oh, and I owe him two kisses because he beat me at playing pool.
I actually owe many people a lot of things because I never win!

Random story about a 5-feet-9-inches guy

Saturday, 22 January 2011

Since he doesn’t really deserve his own initials/secret identity, I'll just refer to him as…the 5-feet-9-inches guy.

I met the 5-feet-9-inches guy through a friend on a random day at the library last semester. I already knew who he was and who his friends were because well, girls gossip all day.

Recently, all three of us went to watch the movie “The Tourist”, play pool and drink. It was cool and I had a great time. When I got home, I called my friend to tell her that I got home safe and I went to bed right after.

The next morning, she called me and we just casually talked about last night in details as I was on my way to work. Yes, in details. That’s just what girls do. Then three days later, she sent me a text message saying that she has something important to tell me concerning something that happened after the night we went to watch “The Tourist”.

Here's her story:
The 5-feet-9-inches guy called her in the middle of the night after she got off the phone with me. He told her that he had something to say but he mumbles and hesitates like a teenage girl. She got annoyed and wanted to hang up but somehow, he convinced her to go outside to talk in his car. Then in the car, he remained silent, which made her uncomfortable. Next, he laid his hand on her leg and asked if she was alright. By the way he touched her leg, she thought he wanted to make advances on her so she left right away. Finally, she just warned me to be careful about that guy.

I already thought it was weird that she said nothing the morning when we were on the phone, but instead 3 days later like a big surprise out of nowhere. Maybe I'm too easily influenced and maybe I'm too distrustful of people, but that left me a bad first impression of the 5-feet-9-inches guy. That means I'll probably never be able believe a word from that guy. Well, I don't really believe any word from any guy in general actually. And well, my friend is my friend...I didn't question her further because it's not like it's concerning something important. “I'll just give him trouble if he tries to hit on me" I said to her.

A week or two later, I bumped into him randomly. We talked a bit and I think he wanted to ask me out but I can tell he was too shy. So obviously, I just played the friendly innocent girl. Then that weekend, he actually called me to go out. I suggested going to Tonic. I hate Tonic; it's the worst club in Montreal...but it was SynesthAsia's pre-party and I haven't seen Mirlaine in a while so I invited her too.

That night, I got a bit tipsy and had the sudden urge to ask him about what exactly happened that night after the movie and the pool. I wanted to know the truth just for the sake of knowing it.

And here’s his side of the story:
My friend was the one who called him to go to her place and when she got in the car, she remained silent and was acting weird. And he maintains that he didn't make any advances. It’s just my friend that thought too much.

Ha, what! That means one of them is lying. That's fucking funny.
Mirlaine believes him but I believe neither side.

At the club, I had fun dancing with Mirlaine, drinking and acting crazy. He brought his cousin. I flirted with them both. I just wanted to play with them, push them to the limits just to see how much they can take and how will they react. His cousin was tipsy and got into it. The next morning, Mirlaine was like...."Geez Elaine, you were so slutty last night". "I know. I did it on purpose" I answered, giggling.

Ever since Tonic, he started texting me random stuff every day and sometimes calls me...just to talk. He would ask me about my day so I would vent about how horrible my day was and how people are giving me headaches, ha. I think he might actually be a good guy. Oh well…

During one of our phone conversation, I asked him about the night we watched “The Tourist” again. I'm so annoying, haha. And that's when he gave me additional information. He still insists that she was the one who called him first but what he failed to mention is that he didn't pick up. But he did return her call, so maybe that's what my friend meant when she said he was the one who called. And then some misunderstandings occurred in the car, apparently.

…but why didn't he tell me the night we went to tonic? I don't know. The version of my friend implies that it’s the 5-feet-9-inches guy that's supposed to have something to say on the phone, but he hesitated. So if my friend was really the one who called first, like 5-feet-9-inches guy claims, then she's the one who's supposed to have something to say, right? So yeah, the two versions don't match and I still don’t know who’s the one lying.

...and to be honest, I don't give a fuck. I just thought it was fun to play the detective. Damn, I could've been a detective in another life, haha.

Last night, he invited me out for midnight deserts and we went to Tonic after…again. The only reason I wanted to go is just because I wanted to test my luck, see if I will run into someone I already know I will snob. Is that stupid? It’s like wanting to talk to someone because you want to argue with that person, ha.

Anyways. I’m really not interested in that 5-feet-9-inches guy. I could tell you guys I don't know why I’m leading him on...but the truth is that I know exactly why. I don’t want to explain. Let's just say that I'm bitchy like that. But from now on, I won’t answer his texts anymore. I don’t really want to cross the line and make things too ugly just because he knows the whole Asian community. I love Asian guys but I won't date another one unless he's from another city.

That's it, that's all.

Exactly what I need

Thursday, 20 January 2011


While some people like to go to a bar to drink and party on their free time, I like to push myself to work harder. I like to wake up on a mission and go to bed satisfied. The thing is, I worked so hard that I almost forgot how to relax, you know what I mean? I might be the type of person that later becomes a workaholic, ha.

I've been stressing about everything lately: booking work, my conflicting schedule, my sleeping hours, my weight, my CA application, annoying boys who don't leave me alone and blah blah blah. I need to relax, seriously.

Okay, I mentally feel better after pigging out.

Then it's gym time :D

See? I ain't lying. I actually go to the gym wearing raccoon eyes, oh my gosh! And taking pictures in the lockers room is so me!

Foot Fetish

Wednesday, 19 January 2011


It's not so fresh in my memory anymore but I got to write about this before I completely forget; I once attended a foot fetish party (last summer)!

I've always been quite open-minded and adventurous; I love to try new things. The only reason I haven't talked about that to anybody is because I know some people are very judgemental and will associate that with prostitution. I just don't want to argue.

Men who attend these events are usually wealthy folks; nice and normal gentlemen who have a fetish for women's feet and are ready to spend a lot of money to fulfill their dreams. Foot fetish may sound weird and creepy but it's actually very natural. Some people like boobs, others like butts while some others like feet, y'know.

That foot fetish party was held at a classy bar that has 2 rooms. The first room is where the main bar is. Around the bar, there are people laughing, talking and drinking. It's where you have to approach the guys, flirt with them to get them interested. I'm actually a reserved person in nature but I'm definitely not shy and getting people's interest is my specialty, ha. If he likes you and your feet of course, then you bring them to the next room and that's where the fun part begins.

As you walk in, you see many black leather couches and porn that plays on a huge screen. The place is really clean and comfortable actually; no nudity, no sex, just foot fetish fantasies. Basically, they do whatever they like with your feet for 10 minutes and you play their games; act like you love having your feet pampered and worshipped. Generally, it includes activities such as smelling, licking, tickling, massage, toe-sucking, etc. It's quite fun to explore this! It's a whole different world. I even had a fake name; Minnie, hehe. Meet Minnie, bitches.

I, personally, don't have foot fetish and I don't particularly enjoy having my toes sucked but, I still found that experience interesting. I'd do anything at least once before I die. I was paid 20$ per 1O minutes, so on top of making a nice amount of money, I had fun in a nice place with outgoing girls. I heard many great stories.

Never let prejudices hold you back from exploring something you might love. Never say never.

@Point G

Monday, 17 January 2011

Best place for macarons in Montreal. Go get addicted!


Sunday, 16 January 2011

The other day, I had a casting for a redken commercial and I was on a bad hair day first of all. When the casting director ran his fingers through my hair to check their condition, his fingers almost got stuck in my hair because it was full of knots, ha. Additionally, the information on my compcard didn't match and blah-blah-blah and then of course, my fake lashes almost fell off right before my take. Great…

Something's wrong with me lately. Everything is such a mess and people, in general, just annoy me! I have the urge to slap people across their face when they lay their dirty hands on me...even when it’s an accident. I want to pop their eyes out with a blunt knife when they lay their pervert eyes on me. When I see a penis, I want to chop it off. I'm disgusted by everything, really. Even when some boys try to be nice and take me out to dinner, I automatically associate it with danger. I can't help.

My mood swings are getting worst too. I could get mad at anything. The other day, I dropped my food all over my clothes and I seriously got so mad that I lost appetite the whole day. I don’t know how I gained 5 pounds this week.

Do I have a problem?! I could feel so normal at one moment and so horrible the next. I just feel like I’m constantly riding a roller coaster. I fantasize about dying all the time. Sometimes, I'm so disturbed by millions of thoughts that I worry about becoming a psychopath. Maybe I work too much, maybe I'm tired of socializing, maybe I need a break.

I don't know.


@L'avenue du plateau

Saturday, 15 January 2011

Yay, no rehearsals today so I decided to get some a lot. I don't think I ever waited that long in a lineup for a restaurant but it was definitely worth it. The boys are hot, the decors are original and sponteneous and of course, the food is sooooo yummy! Best place for brunch in Montreal.

Thursday, 13 January 2011

Regardless of the wonders that are left to explore, I don't want to know and I don't want to see. I did all I ever wanted to do, even what that I never wanted to. Nothing makes me happy anymore and I don't want to be happy either. The reverse is terrifying and I've seen too much already. I can't handle myself and I'm no longer able to risk.

I'm living a life that I don't know how to live. It was unfair from the start. I see other girls that are my age and I wish I were like them. I just want to sleep my days away. I hope no one will remember me.

Tuesday, 11 January 2011


Do you go to the boulangerie when you already got bread?

Saturday, 8 January 2011

Well then, what's the point of bringing your boyfriend along when you go clubbing? Haha.

For the most part, I've been staying away from the bar and club scene of my own city; it just got old really fast for me. Maybe it's because the way that I go about thinking of things changed a lot in the past few years. But from time to time, my friend and I would miss our adventurous nights when we had fake names, ha.

Five minutes after we got there, we already started regretting because everyone is so short and young....and they were all staring at us. We were complaining, making fun of the awkward asian couples, texting random people, chat-chitting and stuff. Oh and, have you ever wondered why it takes so long in the girls' washroom? Here's why :P

Finally, we ran into people we know and then well, one thing leads to another. We scored some free drinks, met some cute guys, some that are less cute, others that probably have girlfriends waiting at home, but they are all the same for me, really. I woke up with like 6 different names on my phone and I don't quite remember who is who. It ain't easy to be pretty, haha just kidding.

It was fun last night!
I have new puppies to play with.


Friday, 7 January 2011

This will be a boring post because I need to ramble about the random things that don't make sense in my mind.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about getting a dog to keep me company. I always wanted a pitbull because they are such a misunderstood breed. Is that a weird reason? The media portray them as vicious dogs but in fact, they are only poor little things that don’t even have control over their destiny. Not many people know that but, I used to help abandoned animals find a new home at the SPCA. I've never seen a bad dog in my life; I've only seen cold-hearted people who bred them to be tough fighting dogs and now, it's the dogs that are blamed for it. I saw many dogs with major behavioural problems but those were also the ones I wanted to adopt the most. Those dogs were abused in a way that no one can imagine and will be put down if no one wanted them. Many pitbulls are put down because people loose hope in them; not many believe that they have the power to trust humans again...but I believe they do. So if I were to get a pitbull, I would certainly adopt one.

…but I was just thinking. I know that's a lot of responsibility and I neither have a stable income nor a stable schedule to take care of a dog yet. Talking about money, I'm saving so I can maybe go somewhere far away this year. I actually should be looking for a job in a CA firm but I haven’t started yet. The problem is that I probably won't be able to leave for more than two weeks if I actually find a serious job. I’m not quite sure which is more important anymore. I'm so young and I only have one life to live, y’know. But I’ll at least start writing my resume tomorrow and see how things go.

The other day, I went to school to ask my professors for letters of recommendation so I can apply to graduate school. I was so nervous about it because it’s not as if they will actually remember me, right? Anyways, I was so well-dressed because I wanted to give a good impression, but then I noticed something wrong;

My goddamn nails are multi-colored!

So unprofessional, haha! But I got the letters so it’s all good. I’m a bit stressed about my application. If I don't get accepted, I'll seriously kill someone. I spent a lot of time to write my statement of purpose. I asked my friend to proof-read it and she said I really sound dramatic, haha. I might show it to you guys later.

Oh, and I finally signed up at the gym. I realized that it did affect my mood when I went to bed hungry on a regular basis. I felt so depressed. It was always the saddest things that came to mind before falling asleep; I thought about death a lot. I lost nearly 20 pounds.

Does my face look bonier?!

...but I guess it’s not that much of a difference considering my height. My mom says my butt looks smaller. Staying skinny is really painful so in the past few days, I just let myself go and ate as much as I could. Just fuck that, ha.

Yummy, hehe ♥

I’ll just go to the gym more often. It’s the Concordia gym, by the way. I haven’t been to a gym in 5 years and the reason is simply because I don’t like being watched. And I don't like to run into people I know. And I absolutely hate it when guys approach me when I just want to stay in my bubble. When I were younger, I used to be more polite and talked a bit to those losers even when I didn’t feel like it. When I got a bit older, I started saying the most stupid shits like “I don’t speak English” and other things of the sort, just anything to be rude. Now, I don’t even bother opening my mouth anymore. I just give them a bitch stare and walk away, ha.

In brief, everything is in transition right now; I’m constantly running around trying to arrange things. I'm waiting for things to get settled so I can plan and decide what exactly I want to do. I also got my busy schedule back and it's so crazy that I almost cannot breathe. I don't even have one single day off until February. Got no time to be lazy right now :(

2011 picture time!

Sunday, 2 January 2011

I was totally tempted to stay home but, every year ends with a party, duh! I improved though; I didn't break anything, I didn't faint, I didn't hook up with but seriously, everyone's so ugly and short. It's like...Happy New Year! No hugs, thanks! Haha, just half kidding ;)

2011 will be a good year!
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