Lily & Yat

Monday, 30 May 2011

It's a sign that you're getting older when your friends are getting married. Lily married to her high school sweetheart yesterday. I'm so jealous.

I want to get married before I turn 25, seriously.

Because all sunshine without a little rain makes a desert

Sunday, 29 May 2011

To sum this week up, we argued 2 times, I punched his nose accidently on 2 occasions, he punched the wall out of anger once and oh, we shared 200 kisses.

"Ever since I met you, my life's been like a rollercoaster," he says.

"Why do you like me? Because I've got a bad temper? Or because I'm manipulating, stubborn and fucked up in the brain?" I ask.

"I'm putting up with that because you make me laugh every day."

Looking at the big picture

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

He called me so many times Saturday, and I finally picked up. He did most of the talking and I just listened. There were many times I abruptly hung up, and others where I just ended the conversation with "I don't know. I don't want to talk, bye."

He sent me this e-mail since I didn't want to talk.
My heart is yours to do with what you want...I fucking need you. Everyday, you’re in my mind. Every time, I can't wait to see you. Every time I see you standing up waiting for me or walking towards me, I realize that I am falling in love with you. This scared me because I was insecure that you could just dump me at anytime without thought, which is partly why I said what I did. But now I see that that is the STUPIDEST thing I could ever think, and I feel like I seriously fucked up with some who FINALLY understands me and wants to be with me for who I am more than my own family and friends and that is SO FUCKING HARD RIGHT NOW.

Why did I talk to Daphne? Could have been anyone; her because she asked. And honestly to tell her that I’ve never felt the way I feel about you since fucking high school would have left her broken. I had no idea you would read and it would hurt you instead. If I knew, I swear I would tell her that I’ve been happier in the last 6 weeks than I’ve been in the last 3-4 years of my life and it’s because of you.

Je t’appelle mon amour pour une raison mon amour... et si cette lettre √©tait en encre tu verras ou mon √©motion a toucher a la page.

Poor guy. He thinks that I’m hurt…but really, it takes more than that to hurt me.

I can’t let go of a women who's so pretty and down to earth, who buys me a dish rack and has a passion in her, and even when that passion becomes bad, I still like it,” he told me, on the phone. That’s very right, I bought him a dish rack so he can do the dishes properly, haha.

Basically, he told me that he said those words because he was acknowledging the way he felt; he felt insecure because I could break his heart. I think that makes sense because I’ve felt that way before, but I still don’t like the fact that he told Daphne.

He asked me to think about the time we had, to look at the big picture…and yes, I know, he invites me to his grandparent’s 50th anniversary, calls me every night, ditches his friends to spend time with me, and even when his friends are saying that he’s getting pussy whipped, he tells them that it’s different. He keeps his words aligned with actions and he actually patiently waited a long time and never pressured me to have sex with him. It just happened very naturally and I never felt like I had to betray myself to please him. Were those all lies too? If so, then he’s great liar and definitely deserves a second chance for the effort.

…but it's true when they say that trust is hard to gain and easy to loose. Can you really be with someone without trusting them? Then he tells me that he’s willing to start over. How are we even going to start over?

You see? I wasn’t actually that mad, I ran away because I wanted to establish the unwritten rules of the relationship. I just want to make my life easier. I never lied to him though, I even told him that I’m not in love with him, maybe I will later and maybe I won't, so he can make a decision for himself.

I can’t let go of you,” he said.

I know you can’t. You love the challenge. I know you,” I replied.

You’re wrong. The biggest challenge about you is your thick shell, it’s hard to crack it…and it’s not the kind of challenge that most would have the strength to confront. But I want to do this because I like you, but you have to help me too.”, he said.

Jonathan was always willing to try harder when he saw that he wasn’t trying hard enough. That's how I know that he's not lying and that I can give him the same love in return. If he's able to handle the worst of me, then he for sure deserves the best as well.

When I hear the words, “I’m done trying” from a guy, that’s how I know he’s not worth my time. Sorry if you can’t keep up, and sorry if it seems like I’m trying to push you away. Easier girls are everywhere. Do you see happily married couples saying, “Oh, I picked him because he was available and I was lonely, so why not?”. Of course not.

I was talking to TJ earlier, "Do you think we can fall in love more than once?" I asked. "Yes, I think it's a sad existence to live otherwise," he replied. I can only hope it's not too late for me.

Finally on Sunday, we stayed on the phone for 4 hours to talk everything out. I persuaded him to give me his facebook password to verify that he’s not lying because I don’t trust him at all, and he actually gave it to me. Can you believe? I’m so bossy, ha.

"Do me a favor please, say my name," he nicely asked.

"Jonathan, you're ugly."

Sunday, 15 May 2011

A person can grow in many ways; chronologically, physically, intellectually, socially, philosophically, and emotionally. Perhaps, I haven’t found psychological freedom, but that also gave me the ability to see the victim in others; I can feel their pain and hurt.

There are people I really shouldn't care about, but being able to understand and see the origin that once caused anxiety, today, makes his little ultimatums so silly yet adorable.

The Legendario isn’t just a bottle of Rhum; it’s the sum of some silly hope, kind concerns, dishonest interest, rational neutrality and final wishes. If you're reading this, I used to think that you were so much worth caring for and after the bitterness has died down, I still think the same.

Saturday, 14 May 2011

I don't get it. The only reason I called is because I knew he was alone and drunk. I know what it is to scroll through your phone list trying to find someone to call hoping that they'd distract your messed up mind for a bit and usually, you call the ones that you care the least about. I still called him to see if he's okay...and I'm getting childish insults because of that.

...and yeah I'm writing bs in my blog right now and I'm immature, so what if I don't grow up, geez.

Small cock is texting me

R is texting me because he wants to fuck. What a miserable old guy he is. I can't believe this, but this is such the perfect timing because I need some entertainment. At first, I didn't know who it was and I thought it was Nico. "Nico?! Is that you??" I asked.

"Euh no, it's R," he said.

"Who?!" I repeated, just to remind him how unimportant he is and he's seriously fucked up in the brain for even keeping my phone number for that long. Very honestly, I also kept his phone number for a while as a "back up". Whatever we had have always been of that nature...but I also once was very sincere to him, but it ain't worth shit right now so we can't even be friends.

Why is he even asking me these questions that no one is interesting in knowing, right? Oh because, guess what obviously.

I don't resent him but there's simply no point to be nice anymore. I mean, how would that even benefit me? His cock? Nigga please!

...but yeah, I don't want to cheat on Jonathan because we're not officially over, and even if I were to cheat, it ain't going to be with this old wrinkly guy. Fucking Pathetic. I honestly think it's so sad that he can't find someone to fuck hahaha. This guy is kind of smart, but he can be easy to be taken advantage of as well. He probably just got cheated on but really, who in their right mind would want to date a sleazebag like that. This kind of guy is a typical manwhore, only good to fuck.

Tch, as if I didn't know that he reads my blog. I don't even remember when I said that he wasn't straightforward, is this dude living in the past or what. Okay, it was nice actually that he was straightforward this time, but unfortunately, I don't wear old shoes.

Anyways. I don't even know why I'm talking about that loser.

PS.: I used to never talk about him because I would really get angry, and I tried to remember him in a positive way regardless...and after he sent me this today, it's just...laughable.

She's shady and I don't trust her

I'm turning off my phone because it keeps ringing; it’s Jonathan calling me non-stop.

Before I start writing about what just happened earlier, I want to clarify that he doesn't know about this blog. He just called my home phone and my mom picked up...and I never gave him my home phone number, what the fuck.

After getting some stuff done in downtown today, I called Jonathan and we agreed to meet at his place. I got there before him and the first thing I did, I ran to the washroom to take a piss, ha. Okay, then I started looking through his letters on his desk, smelling his bed, looking in the kitchen for traces of evidence. Yes I know. That’s bad.

Let me tell you why I suspect him. The other day, we wanted to watch a certain movie but he couldn't find where he downloaded it. He was looking through his files while I was sitting there next to him, and I saw a file named “Daphne”. "Try the Daphne file; it might be in it,” I said, as a joke. I honestly didn't even care that much about her, until he started explaining why it didn’t work out with her and telling me about her flaws. When a guy overexplains, it becomes suspicious.

My doctor once told me that a woman’s instinct is a gift. It’s not for nothing that we have it. “If you think that your man might be cheating on you, chances are that he already did,” she told me. Personally, I don't rely on it as much. I’d rather find supporting evidences before reaching a conclusion

So, I was going through his stuff and I saw that his laptop was open with his facebook on. I went in his inbox and clicked on his conversation with Daphne. Guess what I saw, I can’t remember exactly, but long story short, I saw things like, “it's not that serious, she's shady, I don't trust her”...and other things of the sort.

This is basically a no-win situation because I’m in the wrong for reading his messages without his permission. When a relationship is new, there are unwritten rules that are established in the first few weeks. If today I decide to suck it up, it means that I'll have to endure this until the end. If I were still the young girl I used to be, I would just pretend that nothing happened. I would resent him, but I would also miserably stick around for a chance to make his life a hell.

…but today, I’m a grown woman and I’m not going to take shit from anybody. Tell me I'm a bitch, but I have to let him know clearly that I can leave him any day. It's not that I want to do this, but he's leaving me with no choice. I know that the messages I saw didn't really mean anything, but it could mean something as well. I admit that I'm not in love with him, but I'm open to that possibility and I never thought about cheating on him or hiding anything.

I grabbed all my stuff and walked out the door. I even left their conversation open so he doesn't think that I got mad for no reason because I'm PSMing. So I left, and realised that I forgot my phone and I was like...damn it. I have to go back to take it but I was pretty sure that he was going to be home soon and I might run into him if I go back. I ran back quickly and saw him from far, he saw me too. I ran inside, grabbed my phone and left through the front door.

....and fuck, I forgot to take my few t-shirts that I left somewhere at his place too.

I wasn't sad honestly. He called my phone so many times that I couldn't even listen to my music in peace. Then he sends me a text telling me to check my facebook. What could he have written? That he cannot live without me and blah blah blah? Bitch please, as if a few redundant words would change my perception of him right now.

Ok, that fucker wrote this on his wall:

And wrote this on mine:

I’m not going to lie. This is actually kind of touching.

...but I don't even understand how anything that has to do with me would hurt Daphne, they are over like way before I met him, so he didn't have to talk about me in such bad way. Also, he mentions that she's very sensitive towards him...but would he tell Daphne that he talks to me in a certain way bacause I'm very sensitive to him and blah blah blah? It's kind of hard to believe him.

I don't know what to do about him yet.

Asians and food

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

@Plaisir Coupables


Our daily drama

Sunday, 8 May 2011

"Where are you going dressed like this and looking all pretty?" He asked. I was wearing a short black dress.

"Nothing. Just going to eat lobster with my family tonight," I replied.

"Dressed like this? I don't believe you." he said.

"Don't believe me then."

What, I cannot be pretty anymore?! Tch.

Here's my mom chopping lobsters' head off in the back yard, and my aunt trying to learn. We're so Chinese, yes.

Every time we see each other, we just always end up getting mad or something. We rarely get along for one entire day. Sometimes, he would suspect me to be cheating on him when I dress too pretty, or when I don’t answer his texts right away. I always answer his texts, unless I'm sleeping. Other times, he would act like an idiot because some dudes try to hit on me, or question me like I'm a criminal when I talk to male friends. Gosh.

The other day, he slapped me on my face, as a joke he claims, with a reasonable degree of force but not enough to hurt. Even if it didn’t hurt, it's just a bad move. The experience that revolves around a slap on the face is usually negative for most people. When you slap someone on their face, you will remind them how and why they got slapped before, when it wasn’t joke. Right?

...or am I just finding every excuse to be upset with him? I don't know.
I do remind myself to be calm and to stop getting mad so easily. So I tried to retain my anger but it didn't work. It’s just hard to talk when you’re pissed off, especially when you’re name’s Elaine, ha. Just kidding.

I was like...fuck that, I'm going home. He tried to stop me but I pushed him away. I walked from the Old Port to Chinatown and he followed me quietly. I went to the washroom and while I was in there, I calmed down and blah blah blah, then things were fine again.

Today, he got mad at me because of something really stupid. He says I’ve been with too many guys and he can’t get that image out of his head, most precisely of me having a threesome. At first, I was patient with him, but he kept giving me the cold shoulder "Don't touch me. I see you differently now."

So I told him "I’m going home then."

"Are we going to play this game again? I came after you the other day like an idiot, and I'm not going to do it again,” he said, as I was walking away. “Can we talk?” he tried to stop me. “Listen, I have something to say. I really don’t mind what happened before, you do all these things for me and we’re happy together now. That’s all that matters.

Really? He should've taken it when I was being nice.

At this point, I didn't want to talk anymore. As I was walking away, I wasn't scared to loose him. I’ll have more time to study for my CPA at least. In a way, I also wanted to find out what he means to me if it really was over between us.

…but guess what, he actually followed me again. I didn't listen. He gives me too much power in this relationship, and that’s only because he likes me. I feel bad for torturing him honestly. I should have been more patient.

He texted me this half an hour later.
Him: Elaine, There are no words to describe the way I feel in this moment. Now that I shed a tear for you, I swear I'll never make you cry again. My heart's hurting and I don't want to loose you. I can only hope that it's reciprocal and that you'll take a step forward for me. You are consumming my thoughts. xx
Me: I'm so sorry for acting that way, I just want to be alone, don't feel bad...
Him: No, I told you that I don't care what happened before. I wouldn't be with you if I were not ready to handle things like these. But I'm glad that you realize that it's useless to run away. I just need to know that you're mine, that we're together...
Me: Anyways, I'll talk to you later.

You know what I don't understand? If he actually feels that way then why the hell did he ignore me when I was being nice and when I'm finally pissed off, he comes to beg after me? I knew he were that kind of guy from the first day I met him, seriously.


"If you're pissed then you can just tell me you don't want to talk and I will give you space, but dont just run away without a word like this. Okay?" he said on the phone, later that evening.

"K..." I said, feeling a little immature.


Sunday, 1 May 2011

@Old Port

We're spending almost every day together, so there are also more disagreements and resentment inevitably. Maybe I'm the problem, I've never been the relationship type of girl and from time to time, I’d think “Why am I being all cute-lovely-rainbows-and-unicorns with this guy? What the fuck?!” Then he would remind me saying "Why are you being such a smart ass for?" or "Why do you have to act so tough, I see right through you," and I'd feel so sorry.

Every time we face a problem, a part of me hopes he gives up. It would be a kind of relief if he stops trying so we can put an end to this and go our separate ways. I do like him, but the truth is that I don't think I like him as much as he likes me.

At the same time, I'm thrilled that someone treats me that well and I'm excited to know what will happen next. It surprises me how fast he's falling for me and how he always comes after me no matter how I keep him out. He gives me everything I could wish for and even better.

I might not be completely happy with him, but I have a confident smile on my face. Is that bad?
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