Monday, 27 June 2011


Jonathan's been stepping on his pride and calling me in the past few days. Like, oh Elaine, I miss you so bad and yadda-yadda-yadda.

He was basically telling me that he's at a bachelor party in Quebec and there're plenty of paid whores in the house, and he didn't touch any of them. “I see your face everywhere, and I think of the time we failed at riding double on my bike and the way you say ‘what’s your problem?!’...just little moments like that.

If your woman still stays on the phone with you for more than 1 minute; she either pities you or she's giving you a chance. The only reason I'm giving him a chance is because I remember the time he could’ve easily just walked away but he didn’t. He showed me strength and patience and accepted me entirely. Nevertheless, I don’t believe in this whole break-up-to-make-up thing unless there’s a clear change.

"Sorry? Sorry for what? Do you even know why I was mad?"

"Elaine, I'm so sorry. I must say that I don't know why..."

"It's okay if you talk to all those girls but you shouldn't have trash talked about me. If I trash talked about you to another man, what would you think I want from him?"

"I'm so sorry, you can trust me. I swear. I would never cheat on you," he insists.

"Trust you based on what? That's exactly what you said last time also. Are you going to say this next time too? And next time you cheat on me, will you tell me how much you love me and to not break up for small things like that?

What can I do to show you?

Dude, I don't know. I don't need to think about that. I don't have time.

"Yes. You're right...

"Well you could tattoo my name on your chest." I jokingly said. How funny would that be if he actually did and I don’t get back with him, ha.

"Elaine..." he desperately sighed.

I told my friend that even if I take him back, he has to be my bitch for a month, haha. I'm so mean. Seriously though, all I was trying to do is to make him realize...

"Every time that we get into an argument or that I don't answer your call or text; you automatically go talk with another girl in a more than friendly way. You think I don't know?"

"That's because I always feel like I'm second in your life and I wanted to be able to have that power too. Every time I turn around to go to the washroom or something, there will already be another guy trying to hit on you by the time I come back...do you know how I feel?! You're that good girl around me, but I know there's that side of you that I haven't seen and I'm afraid that you're being that bad girl around other guys. I don’t know what changed you…"

"Just admit that you're insecure," I said. It's true that I don't place him first in my life, and I don't think I ever will. I have my family and career before him…but am I wrong if I let him live his life and see his friends more often? Am I wrong if I'm not expecting him to feed me? Am I wrong if I'm good to only him even if he's not my first priority? Seriously, I'm just being realisitic.

After another of his failed attempts to get back with me yesterday night, he accidently pocket dialed me 2 minutes after we hung up. I know it's bad to eavesdrop on others' conversation but, I'm Elaine and I feel no shame, ha. I heard him telling the boys that he never cheated and that it's unfair that he got caught for something so stupid. It did cross my mind that he purposely set this up but, I don't think he's smart enough for that.

"Dude, I feel bad for your girlfriend," he said to his friend who cheated on his girlfriend at the bachelor party.

"She would maybe slap my face if she found out” his friend careslessly laughed.

"If it was Elaine, she wouldn't slap you on the face. She would kick you in the ball," he replied.

Really? Ha.

Every time we argue, I’d go back home and tell myself that I should've been more reasonable, more patient. But I don’t know why, the next time I see him, we’d argue again. Maybe I wanted him to understand me more. Maybe I wasn't grateful enough...it takes breaking up for a minute to realize that.

...and I thought about life before him, how my world used to be, how I never opened up, never called, never told anyone what I’m going through. And I thought about life after him, how he made me feel less bitter in general, how he gave me a piece of a very ordinary but happy dream. He's genuinely nice to me.

Throughout the years I slowly understood that in life, you have to make a choice between the one you love and the one who loves you and you should choose the one who loves you because you can learn to love but can't teach someone to love. He has been very tolerant towards me even if I’m an immature bitch 90% of the time.

"Elaine, can I ask you a serious question? Will you be my girlfriend?" he asked. "We'll take it slow this time. I want to have a solid base with you and I don't want any doubts anymore,"

"No."

"I think that was a yes."

Smartass.

My graduation ceremony


That's for my parents because I really didn't feel like going to my graduation ceremony. It's was 4 hours of wait for 10 seconds of glory, ha.

The first thing I said when I got off stage was "Yo, did my face look okay on the screen?!"







My dad was so proud of me because he thought that I'd never be able to graduate. In high school, even the worst students' parents don't need to meet the teachers but mine's had to meet the director. I seriously failed in everything, even in gym. I used to be so bad in math that I could make a mistake just copying. Can you believe? It might sound funny, but now I love accounting; everything in life is accounting, haha.

"What happened to you exactly?" My mom asks.

"You want; you can. You don't want; you can't" I reply.

We broke up

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

We’re finally not together anymore.

Last time that we almost broke up, he gave me his password like I said, but he later changed it. That was completely fine because I don’t want to always keep an eye on his life either. However recently, my sixth sense’s telling me that he’s definitely hiding something. I took a wild guess and asked him as in "I already know" and not as in "I'm not sure"...and since he thought I already knew; he admitted it. He didn’t give me any reasons but instead, accused me to be hiding something. So typical of him.

Last night, I logged on his facebook at his place while he was watching TV and read his messages. I saw that conversation with a Latvian girl. He was basically talking about how crazy I am and that last time we fought, I threw his clothes and stuff everywhere...which isn't true at all. I never touched his stuff; I only packed mine and got the fuck out. Why would he say such thing to that girl, seriously. I don’t understand.

"It's true that I think you're crazy, but that's part of the reason why I like you. And yes, I added a bit to the story...but it's nothing, I swear," he said.

Yes. I know I'm defintely a bit crazy, but he said it in a bad way. I don't think he would say this to his male friends, but he said that to that Latvian girl. He talked to me about her before; he once was so infatuated with that girl. I think she was very special to him, which I can understand, because I, myself, share some special connections with other people…but I don’t talk bad about him to impress them.

I didn't know what to do and didn't want to overreact...and I don't even know if I'm the only one who sees the problem?

Then today, he messaged me on facebook while I was at work.

Jonathan: I went on my settings and you can see everything.
Me: Whatever. Since you got so much to hide, I'll just unfriend you.
Jonathan: Everything you saw was not meant to be hidden obviously, you have my stupid password.
Me: I don't have your stupid password and you obviously deleted things that you wanted to hide already.
Jonathan: Who's the one that has something to hide? By the way, you're the one who blocked me from your pictures. ** We're not even talking about the same thing right now. My pictures don't involve any other dudes, y’know. Also, I didn’t just block him specifically. See? He chose to turn the focus on me.
Me: Ok anyways, we should break up. ** I didn’t want to say this, but I’m done with fighting all the time. I thought that conversation was very stupid. I’m always so happy to see him every time but we always leave each other with either anger, tears, or without a word.
Jonathan: You know it sucks, but I agree.


So after work, he called. I didn’t answer. So he texted me this…
Jonathan: I just wanted to say that it affects me a lot that we're breaking up and I hope there's no bad blood. I loved you a lot, Elaine. Bye.
Jonathan: PS Fuck you for making me cry right now.
Jonathan: Do you still want your shoes and stuff?
Me: Yes
Jonathan: You want to come now?
Me: Okay.
Jonathan: Do you really want to break up? It's really childish if it’s just for that.
Me: It's not childish, I don't trust you anymore.
Jonathan: You should have a little faith in me, I never thought of cheating on you. Anyways, you can come now.


When I got there, it smelled like weed in his house. He already had all my stuff laying on the table for me and didn't say anything to stop me. I had my sunglasses on and didn't even look at him directly in the eyes once. I just took my stuff and left.

It's so crazy. Yesterday, we were so happy together and I even gave him a picture frame and now, we're not together anymore. I always knew that I'd eventually give him away.

I talked to Sang after that. Sang and I used to stay up late to talk on the phone before. Sang is someone I feel I can talk to. I don’t feel that way about a lot of guys. We’re not particularly close however, but I guess that’s also why I can tell him everything.

Sang: You don't like him anymore or something?
Me: I was never in love with him, but I do like him a lot.
Sang: Liking is not enough at your age. It's gotta be like...you gotta be blown away, so go and let someone blow you away! FIND HIM!
Me: Nah, I don't think that will happen to me.
Sang: Don't be gay man, seriously you’re not optimistic sometimes.


I didn't cry and I'm not particularly sad, but I do miss him and I wish I could call him to talk right now. I came home and I took a nap. I thought about all the time we spent together and the things he said. I kind of hope he would call me too. I have no idea why…I get mixed feelings. A part of me misses him and the other part feels relieved. This time, I pushed him so far that I don't think he will come back.

He really did a lot for me…more than anybody. I'm so thankful I met him and it makes me want to cry because I know it will be hard to find someone who's that nice to me…and maybe I never will.

Day off

Monday, 20 June 2011

That's where you will find me on dayoffs; L'avenue.



Can't get enough of that place ♥

Pig-headed

Sunday, 19 June 2011

"Prove me that I can trust you," he tries to convince me to let him look in my phone. When he wants something, he doesn't stop until he gets it. It gets very annoying because I'm stubborn myself and I don’t easily change my mind either. During the whole time he was persisting, I was debating on whether I should break up with him.

Isn't that wrong if he needs to check my phone to trust me? It's private, right? And he reminds me that he lets me check his phone so why can't I? Well, everybody's level of privacy is different, obviously. It doesn't mean I'm hiding anything; I'm just protective of my own stuff in general. I care about my privacy. He doesn't care about anything.

I think the problem isn't that I don't let him see my phone; it's his insecurities. He often tells me things such as "I'm not those tall dudes with nice bodies" or "When you will get your designation, you will forget about me." Maybe all good guys are a bit insecure and needy; they would be whores and hoes otherwise, ha.

He always apologizes and admits that he was wrong though…

"Ok, I'm sorry. I don't need to check your phone to trust you. I trust you because you cook for me"

"You're just saying that now because I'm mad"

"No, but the fact that you're mad made me realize this"

"Go away". I hide under the blanket like a caterpillar in its cocoon.

I almost feel like I was wrong when I see his innocent and sorry face, so I always forgive him...but he starts over again sooner or later. We're not having a good time together anymore because he always obstinates about useless things for hours and hours, every single day. I tell myself that I should’ve just stayed home to do something productive. I'm already busy and stressed enough, and he only adds more to that.

...but honestly, that relationship is still new and we’re in our honeymoon stage. I don't think we will last that long. I started studying for my designation and since passing rate is less than 25%, it will take me a lot of time. I told him that I only have time to see him once a week and he doesn't seem too happy about it.

Are you making a schedule for when to feed your dog?” he said.

Among all my priorities; a boyfriend ain't one. Nothing comes between me and my studies and my career. He used to tell me that he admires how ambitious and hard-working I am, but now, I think he's getting on my way. I’m not very civil to people that disturb me in my studies. My mom knows.

Wednesdays fajitas make everything alright

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

With Ely @ 3 amigos


"My heart beats so fast when I see him, and I didn't even see him directly, I only saw him with the corner of my eyes. I don't feel that way when I'm around my boyfriend..." I tell her.

"Why don't you talk to him?" she asks.

"I don't know how..."

...

Anyways, good girl talk, good food and drinks. It's too hard to be skinny, hehe.

Remember the days

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

You say your quest is to bring it higher
Well I never seen change without a fire
But from your mouth I have seen a lot of burning
But underneath I think it's a lot of yearning

-Nelly Furtado

Dream

Monday, 13 June 2011


Last night, I did what I always wanted to do; call him. I wanted to tell him about my new job, how awesome my boyfriend is and so on. Just like the first time I saw him, I already wanted to know everything about him and talk about everything. I had the feeling that we truly reconciled, and we could be friends.

"I'm leaving," he casually tells me.

"Where? Can I come?" I asked, like nothing else mattered and I could carelessly leave everything I had without considering others' reactions and how unfair it would be to them.

"Don't worry, I will come back," he replied and I knew I shouldn’t persist any further. There are those people we want but don’t need…that’s why we never really fight for them. Some days, I slowly accept. Some days, I can’t.

I've claimed time after time that I don’t care anymore. Nevertheless, I keep coming back to those thoughts, same questions and useless what ifs, even in my dreams.

..and in real life, I never actually called but, I never changed my number either.

I'm here

Sunday, 5 June 2011

@YEH!...and that's my t-shirt.


"You're giving me a heart attack. When you're happy; you're so happy, when you're sad; you're so sad and when you're mad; you're fucking mad. You're such a nutcase."

"So?"

"...I kind of like it actually."

"Have you met anyone more complicated before?"

"Yes, but I've never stayed with them, except you. I got you all figured out. You're someone who needs space but wants to know that I'm here...and I'm here."

True nature

Saturday, 4 June 2011

The world is a theater; I love the drama. I've lived profoundly in the tantrums, the loudness, the tears, the mind games...and the innocent playfulness, unleashed laughter, the helplessness and even the silence.

I've gone far enough to not be afraid of not coming back. This outer world in a snow globe is untouchable. As much as I'm lost, I feel so much at home and alive. I drown beneath the weight of the meaning of my own existence but without it, I cannot live either.

You know the truth; it does hurt that much. A tame tiger is gentle and familiar, but this isn't its true nature.
 
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