From within

Thursday, 27 October 2011

I don't think enough people realize the cruciality of building from within. Giving that false outlook on things that should take months to build is damaging; it means that affection is not earned, but bought. These types of relationship are easily discardable as problems arise and from that, a monster is created. Jonathan, however, always gave time and patience...

Incompatible personalities were never an issue to me. Issues arise when we're unable to look in the same direction. Believe it or not but usually, the ones who are there to argue with you are really the ones who care most about you. Loving someone just for one more day isn't easy; my life could be so much easier and simpler if I only had myself to care for. Nonetheless, I choose to stay for a reason; I firmly believe in something and I hope someone looks in the same direction as I do despite all the trouble.

I once told him about creators and I asked him "do you firmly believe in something?" He was inspired by my words at that moment, and he likes to think that he does, but I'm not sure whether he realizes that it doesn't actually fit his personality. He's the kind of man who would sit under a cherry tree by a lake and slowly savor every bit of his fruit basket. The reason he's not consistent is because he doesn't believe in something firm enough; he's not stubborn nor is he determined, which also means he's someone easily influenceable. There's an advantage to this however; by encouraging him and supporting him, his potential can be reached.

"I could pretend that nothing happened too but if we both do this; it's going to make us weaker as a couple. There will always be problems, we will inevitably make mistakes every single day. What's important is the way we choose to handle those problems and fix those mistakes," I said.

"You're a sweetheart," he said, out of the blue. "You really are."

What the FUCK

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Seriously...What the fuck!

Yesterday, I texted Jonathan "You don't answer my calls, you don't answer my texts, you don't even call to say goodnight. Do you still want to be with me or not?" He told me to relax and that I might lack of balance...but I knew the problem wasn't just in my head, because a woman's intuition is never wrong.

So I started telling him that I thought about him and how we met the first time "You remember? We were on the observatory of Mont-Royal and you asked me to tell you something about my life and I said I nothing to say. Then a lady asked you to take a picture of her so you asked me to hold your bottle of water..."

"Waw, you remember details like these?"

"Of course I do. That's why when people lie to me, I can tell right away," I said, hoping that he gets the message.


Today, we were supposed to see each other.

"Is there hockey tonight? Are you going to watch?" I call him, just to make sure.


"Because if you are going to watch then I'm not coming over," I answered.

When he watches hockey, I usually just try to study or I do nothing at all, but it's hard to study at his place since there's not even a clean table, so I usually just sit around doing nothing. Instead of siting around doing nothing, why don't I do something productive at home, right? Nothing wrong with that.

Also, what's the point of being in the same place when we're each doing our own thing? Might as well stay in the comfort of your own room, no? Of course the story would've been different if we lived together, but we don't. We already don't see each other a lot, so is it reasonable that I expect him to actually be with me physically and mentally for the little time we spend together?

For some reasons, he took it wrong and hung up on me.

"What's your problem?" I texted him. "I think something changed between us."

"Geez Elaine...what is it? I'm disappointed that you wouldn't come over if a game is on. Whatever, hockey is all winter so if it's a problem for us to be in the same place while a game is on then, what can I say."

"What I meant is that it's fine if you want to watch hockey, but just tell me now. Don't tell me when I'll be at your place tonight. Thats' all."

"That's fine. What do you mean by things have changed?"

"You're less understanding. You do less in general..."

"I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry you feel that way. What more do you want from me. It's think you're entitled to something for putting up with me."

"That not what I meant."

"That's how I feel sometimes, which is why I'm less engaged. Plus honestly, you didn't come over 1 time last week because I couldn't pick you up. That was really weak. And I had to deal with you complaining every day and I was the one who was sick. Also, you're the one who told me you had to study so I would see you this. I don't get it."

...ha, now he admits there's something wrong and it wasn't just in my head.

1-I didn't go to his place last week because I really cannot get sick at this time. I have to work, I have to study and I have exams. I really don't have extra time to get sick.
2-If I had to take the bus to his place, I would have to waste 2 hours, which is just not worth it if I had to get sick on top of that.
3-I never complained. And if I actually complained then it's only because I couldn't see my boyfriend...not because there is gold or something at his place. Geez.
4-The fact that we see each other less is not the problem. I didn't complain about this. All I want was just to make the most out of the little time we spend together. What's so hard to understand?!

Is he seriously holding a grudge because I didn't visit him when he was sick?!

"Do you expect me to not study for you? That's what I mean when I say that you're less understanding..."

"I was looking forward to see you tonight, now it's whatever..."

"All I'm trying to do is to solve the problem, but you're taking it the wrong way. I was telling you that something changed, and you denied. And now, you admit that you're less engaged because of X reason that I'm not even aware of. You're letting this creating distances between us."

"The arguing is pointless. I'm tired of texting..."

"I'm not trying to argue with you. I'm just trying to make you understand without necessarily agreeing..."

"That's the bottom line for me." he said...

Crying is actually not that sad. What's more sad than crying is having to hold it back...and I was at work.


After work, I called him to ask whether we'll see each other or not, because if not then I have other plans.

"Why, Who you going with?"

"I just want to know, because I might go out after. Can you tell me right now?"

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. Drinking maybe?"

"Why do you have to talk to me like that? Usually you would be nicer if you knew I was pissed. And now you're giving me a threat or what?"

At this point, I really had enough.
1-I didn't intentionally provoke him by saying that I might go out. I only answered his question, with an honest answer, like any normal person.
2-I was planning on ditching my friends if he wanted to see me.
3-I just seriously wanted to know in advance so I can plan accordingly. Am I not nice enough to ask him first? So I can plan according to him?

...and all this so he can think that I'm throwing him an ultimatum? Why do I even deserve this?

I'm just pointing the problem out because I felt like something was wrong, so we can work it together. If he doesn't tell me, I don't ask, we keep this attitude, we engage less and less, then we're just going break up sooner or later. I'm trying to prevent that and he talks to me with this attitude...What the hell am I supposed to do? Break up? All this effort is one-sided...seriously. What is this relationship for if I can never say anything? and when I do, he blows off like this?!

I realized that once a man has made an opinion about you; it cannot be changed no matter how inaccurate it is. He already has that impression, from the first time we met, that I'm conceited, I'm stuck up and I never do anything for "us" while he's the one who makes all the effort...and look at this now.

What's wrong?
Someone needs to tell me what the fuck is wrong.

Sunday, 23 October 2011

...because I knew of something that I could not put into words at that time. I think I saw that coming. I was crying as I was telling him that things will change and he thought I was being silly. I just feel like we're going back and forth, without ever making it to the next point.

Some continue to work their relationship and grow it together once that confortable stage is reached, while others allow it to create distances. In our case, he resorts back to the old ways once he thinks everything is okay. No matter what the reason is, the bottom line is that someone finally stops trying. I can’t tolerate anything that is mediocre…

Tonight, we were supposed to see each other but when I texted him, he said he was with his friends.

"Are we going to see each other tonight or not?" I texted him.

No answer.

Are you with someone else?” I asked again.

The funny part is that I hope he says yes.
I’m just so damn tired.


Saturday, 22 October 2011

On the phone

Friday, 21 October 2011

Jonathan: Ok babe, I got to watch hockey.
Me: to me.
Jonathan: No babe, I got to go...
Me: Ok then, I'm horny by the way, bye!
Jonathan:...Babe, wait.
Me: Too late! I got to go!

My childhood friend :)

Her name is Kim and she's is probably one of the nicest person I know in the world. My mom always says that whoever marries her is going to be the luckiest man in the world, but whoever marries me is going to be so miserable. "So what if you're pretty and smart? It's too bad you're so mean and bossy," she says. Haha.


Let it be

Thursday, 20 October 2011

There will be an answer.

Monday, 17 October 2011

He's like a firework; destructive, addictive and explosive sparkles in the jet black sky that make me wonder. I want to be taken away from my false embrace of gravity. I want to be lost in those ungraspable moments, amazed by their electrifying energy, always.

...but wouldn't the desire to make a firework long-lasting be a fool's pursuit? I hear how they say they want to spend good times with me but...I have someone who's willing to stay with me through bad times, how fortunate am I and what more can I ask.

Sunday, 16 October 2011

Why would someone let a person back in after putting in so much effort to permanently forget them? I clearly know that I'm in a relationship with someone who loves me a lot and I should avoid these conflicting situations but ultimately, it's one of the things I clearly know of the consequences but will do it nonetheless. The reason? There is none.

I like how he wants me to try everything; his vanilla and strawberry yogurt, his vodka mixed with mango juice and I like how he explains football to me. Isn't that adorable? I don't think I ever saw this side of him. It makes me smile thinking about it. I just really want to know everything about him.

...but he can be so frustrating as well. He'd insult and blame others just because things are not the way he thinks should be, without ever thinking that it could be himself the problem. This guy doesn't even realize that he can hurtful sometimes. But no matter how mean and unfair he's been to me, I just can't really hate him. There are times I feel like he actually needs someone to talk to.

Oh, and when he tells me, with an angry face, to stop staring at him, I kind of laugh inside, ha.


Trust is a funny thing. I don't understand why people put so much importance into that irrelevant word.

Do I trust Jonathan? Do I trust that he'll always be faithful, treat me good, take care of me, be there when I need him? Of course not and the reason is plain and simple; people change and situation arises.

We could be understanding, open-minded and put in so much effort to know someone but ultimately, how close do you come to their true essence? Do we really know anything important about anyone? What can you trust and based on what? And if you can never understand someone 100%, then why would trust be relevant?

I trust Jonathan's driving skills enough to sit in his car because based on the past, he always drove me safely to my destination. I also trust his cooking skills because those are things that are subject to little change and can be depended on based on history. I could bet 5000$ that his pasta sauce will taste awesome but, not my whole fortune. I trust him that today he's madly in love with me, but tomorrow? In 6 months? 10 years? I trust him 99% that he'll not beat me up because he's sweet and loving...but if he's on drugs and we're having a fight? Who knows.

The only ways you could 100% trust someone is by choosing to ignore the facts because they are your family, or you have to be completely naive.

They say that a lack of trust always create insecurity. However,I think insecurity only happens when we're afraid of not being able to forecast changes and that things won't remain the same...but of course they won't. What never changes in this world? Even my BigMac doesn't always look the same.

Lastly, just because you don't trust doesn't mean you have to be miserable, lonely and worry all the time. No matter how great things are right now, how much you trust them at this moment, who can guarantee tomorrow? And although nothing is guaranteed, there is absolutely nothing to be sad about. Sometimes, you just have to let go, accept that circumstances change and so do people.

Trust could really just be a thing of the moment, even irrational at times.

...and in Bertrand Russell's words?

A young turkey was brought into a farm and was fed regularly every morning at the same time with a fresh supply of grass. Like any other being interested in the future, he wanted to convincingly predict the future and not use the first few days of his life as an indicator of things to come. Having an erudite lineage, he figured he should not commit the fallacy of jumping the gun to reach a conclusion and instead would gather a large data set for his observation.

After 364 days, drawing from the specific instances, he concluded the obvious generalization – he would be well fed every morning until he grew old and died. Unfortunately, the very next day was Thanksgiving and the turkey was slaughtered and became the star meal of the day at the farmer’s house.

Importfest 2011

Monday, 10 October 2011

To tell the truth, I’m a horrible model and I’d much rather be sleeping at home with a teddy bear. I’m just not big on being the center of attention and I know I sound terrible for saying this, but I'm smarter than that, ha just kidding. But seriously, I'm just not into that anymore.

Sunday, 9 October 2011

Seeing him again is like seeing an old friend, even though we were never friends, but a bond exists underneath, or maybe some sort of mutual understanding. It felt different to see him again; it’s almost like it was a different person in front of me, a stranger I met in another life.

…riding for hours, alongside shiny cars, uphill through suburb houses, coloured leaves, dreams of tranquility and I see the layers of colours changing from blue to red in the sky as well as everything I’ve associated him with…the sunset, the moment, freedom, and passion. I also see the open white of pure possibility; my time and space expanding.

I was hoping that he doesn’t mention anything that has to do with the past but when he did, it seemed foreign to me. Time has elapsed, new situation has arisen, and layers have been peeled off since then. It’s finally comfortable to be around him.

Friday, 7 October 2011


Wednesday, 5 October 2011

It's such a privilege to know someone's scent because, it means you've had the chance to be close with that person. Intimacy and physical contact carry scent, and when that contact disappears, the scent fades as well. I hope that scent never fades.

I think I'm falling in love with everything associated with the scent of this scarf ♥

Grey clouds

Saturday, 1 October 2011

Of all the different colors, textures and shapes, the heavy clouds just relieved by the letting of rain and storm are my favorite. I look behind the dark clouds of today and I see the sunny blue sky. Shadows cool the skin and while it remains, the sun’s light is bright and sight. How bittersweet.
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