I really don't understand this...

Monday, 16 January 2012

Jonathan: Elaine, I called you because I miss you very much...but I know it's selfish. At the same time, I want to talk to you and hold you so badly. I'm also scared it would lead to the same rollercoaster...I'm also scared that you may have been with someone else during this time even if for a one night. I'm thinking about you more and more, and I can only hope that you will wait for me till our day as I will wait for you...I cry Elaine.

Me: Just to let you know that I'll wait for you xx

Jonathan: Elaine, we need to learn to live without each other, not hate or forget or cease to care. Just learn to live without...

Me: Do you mean you don't want to be with me anymore?

Jonathan: I mean what I said. We'll talk soon...sweet dreams.


Friday, 13 January 2012

we are the lovesick.
the fearless ones.
the never giving up.
the hearts undone.
sick with the desire to love.
to live so far beyond the boundaries given to us.
we are the fence-hopping fools who never stopped to read the signs.
the ones that left the world behind.
like dreams we've drawn in neon light.
just moments in the sea of time.
we are the lost ones wandering.
the soon to be smoldering.
last to be found.
the first to fall and fail to fly then shatter on the ground.
we are the rebels running wild through a darkness that can swallow us.
but we've set fire to our souls.
burning brilliant blinding gold.
the flames that illuminate our lonely road.
our futures holding fates untold.
we are the ever-refusing to fold.
to fade away or worse to lose.
the few that bend and break apart the cages of our rules.
born desperate for the promise of the mystery unknown.
we are the lovesick.
and just like the sun we will always rise.
hope still shining in our eyes...

- Jason Reeves.

Memories of the country

Sunday, 8 January 2012

I had dreams about this landscape, the country, the peaceful nostalgia that it conveys. This painting belonged to my family for decades, I grew up with it as well and I recently took it back. ♥


Saturday, 7 January 2012

Quite honestly, I'm not hoping anymore...and this is because I'm a realistic person and I know that the chances that we make it there are slim.

I know him quite well and based on the past, he's someone who doesn't realize the meaning of his words when he's caught in the moment. He's the kind of person who cannot hold on to something for too long. He's a dreamer, he wants to change the world and create his path, but he is definitely neither strong nor determined enough.

...unless some miracles happen.

When I were younger, I didn't want to be one of those to go with the flow but at this point? I just want to let things be. There are things that you must learn to let go before you can have.

Unsent letters: Day 16

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

I'm glad we talked. I'm feeling better now, just to know that you feel the same way I do. You still need time, we all need some time. Nobody knows what will happen in three months, but I'm not worrying. I don't want someone who changes so easily, who doesn't hold any strong beliefs of their own or someone who can't maintain that determination of wanting something. Let me tell you, Jonathan, you need to look inside and find that flame. I hope you will find it.

If we do make it there, it will make us stronger. If we unfortunately don't, then I don't want a relationship that cannot go through the challenge of time either.

I will be there

Monday, 2 January 2012

What's the truth? I really wanted to know, even if  knowing the truth will not change the reality.

I guess I needed some kind of closure. I needed the truth to be brutal. I don't want to pretend I don't know, I don't want those thoughts of revenge. I just want to move on.

I called Jonathan, but he didn't pick up. I called because I can't do this anymore. Why am I torturing myself? I know it's not right. It's not okay to send me all these text messages to give me false hope on New Years Eve, and at the same time trying to get with other women. He appears to have my best interest at heart, but he's selfish without realising it...maybe he wants to ease his own subconscious. I totally think that he mentally and emotionally checked out of the relationship before me to make his own transition easier. He really disgusts me.

Me: Please answer...I just want to know something.

Jonathan: We can't talk...What's up?

I called him another time. Again, he didn't pick up.

Jonathan: I won't answer Elaine...What's up?

Me: I'm really hurt that as early as November, you were already thinking of cheating on me. And I don't understand why you texted me on NYE.

How do I know? There are no evidences, but I know. I can feel. When someone has let go of you, someone's looking around for more, someone's dissatisfied of you, someone has stopped trying...I can feel it, and I will never forget that feeling. I used to think it was just me; I'm thinking too much, I'm causing the drama, I'm causing the emotional rollercoaster...but it's not me. He once asked me how come I cry all the time. It's because my body knows something that my mind doesn't know about; it remembers something, it knows that something is wrong.

Jonathan: I came home and took out the mail...I read your letters, I'm sorry for texting you. Never cheated on you...Early as November...What's making you say that?

Me: Because I logged on your account. I've been reading your messages even though I shouldn't. I didn't want to say this but I'm really hurt...I don't know what to do...You used to tell me it's because of work and because I gave you too much headaches...but it's because you were looking for a replacement instead of spending more time with me.

I should've trusted my instincts more...that feeling when you know that someone is looking elsewhere, I will remember forever.

...and I'm telling you this now because I really can't take this anymore. I will never ever see you again.

Jonathan: First of all wow Elaine..and you're so wrong about replacements. I did create an account to see what was out there, yes, but I never had the intention of finding a replacement. And I had many opportunities I didn't take. Geez.

And the reason was because I was faithful to you. I'm sorry Elaine...but I haven't met or slept with anyone else actually. What about you?

He called me. I answered but I didn't talk. I was crying so bad that I couldn't talk, so I hung up.

Jonathan: The reason I did, I swear, was NOT to replace you. Hearing you cry hurts me so much Elaine...the reason was because I needed to be sure that I was making the right decision, to put our relationship on perspective...Elaine...When I see how hurt you are, it makes me realize how much you must love me...how precious that is...and what a huge idiot I may be...I'm sorry Elaine...you said it in your letters. I didn't realize.

I went on it because I wanted to feel that feeling of being the man...to boost confidence. I guess I needed to feel that I could get on if we were to break up.

And over the last 2 weeks, although I have played the game...it has been very superficial as it was back in November...Elaine...I want to tell you so much that your letters deeply affected me and how I see you and us...after a period of turmoil you seem to always analyze and respond in a way that makes me question whether you might be the best thing for me...

Let's make resolutions. Let's be better versions of each other...I cried when I read that because I know you want us to do it for each other...

He called me again...we were silent. I told him that i deleted his messages because I didn't want him to meet others. "I don't want you to meet others either..." he said.

He said that the letters made him realize what he needs to change and he asked if I will come in April...I said that I don't know because I'm hurt.

"I will be there, my heart will be there," he said.

Happy New Year!

Sunday, 1 January 2012

Commissions des Liqueurs-Plateau

Jonathan: December 31st 2011, 11:30 PM...I have just read your letters, and again my heart is sunken and my eyes heavy. I have never opened up to anyone about my parents but you are correct in that I have been deeply affected by their divorce...

I also fear that you may not know love so I'm scared to be vulnerable and accept what you're saying. I have a very hard time believing that I'm loved. I'm sorry if this text has disturbed your night. I'm just so full of emotions right now.

As I write this, I think back on 2011. I know you account for a big part of it. The good and the bad...also looking back at us. I think you are right that we were blindly infatuated and overconfident...perhaps on my end this was due to my own commitment insecurities...I never had a template for love...I admire your strength and you are on my mind...

Me: It's okay, I miss you.

Jonathan: You see through my deeply rooted flaws. I'm sure you're doing what you can to move on...and I have no right to feel jealousy or envy. So tonight when you're kissing someone at the stroke of midnight, know that despite it all, I'm wishing that guy was me...

Me: Jonathan, I miss you so much, I don't want anybody else.

Jonathan: Xx...Happy New Year Elaine. I squeeze you tight. Are you out?

Me: Yes, but I'm going home soon.

Jonathan: I ate at a friend's house. I saw your envelope when I came home around 11...been reminiscing and contemplating since. I'm sorry about this, you have a way of stirring me up inside...are you safe?

Me: Yeah, don't worry.

Jonathan: Of course I'm worried...I miss you too. I still need some time. But I have very far from forgotten. I would die to come pick you up right now, but I'm scared it would be too difficult still. We'll talk soon. Sweet dreams...

Me: Okay, I'll always be there for you anytime, sweet dreams...

Jonathan: Elaine...xx
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