Exactly what I thought

Saturday, 31 March 2012

I'm really hurt right now.

We will not meet anymore...

"I really don't understand what's going on. Why don't you just answer me honestly and stop making wait if you don’t want to be with me? And if you want to be with me then, why do you ignore my calls on purpose?

Elaine, you’ve called me 10 times I think just today. You’re under the impression that you and I will get back together. I have no intention of getting back together like that. I thought we could slowly start seeing each other again, take it slow and see where it goes. You’re acting like we’re together now, but we’re not. I’m not seeing anyone but I don’t think we should see each other. We’re not on the same page and it wouldn’t be fair to let this continue. I’m sorry.

I don’t think we should talk; it’s too hard on me too. I don’t want to make it harder…maybe one day, if you feel you’re ready to talk and see each other…I’m still happy to know you and will always carry a piece of you with me. Goodbye for now, Elaine. Xo."

But you’re the one who keeps saying how much better it would be when we’ll be together again, and that we’ll stay in the course, not me. I’m really hurt that you keep sending me mixed signals. I called you so many times because I honestly just wanted the truth…

Yes. I meant I thought it would be better because we could start over fresh. And slowly. But I can see plainly that this is not possible. And it hurts me so much because I really care but it just wouldn’t be fair, Elaine."

You’re the one who made me think this way, Jonathan. If you didn’t want to be with me, you could’ve just told me so. I will not wait for you anymore from now on. I’m sick of all this crap. I love you so much. Jonathan. You ruined it.

I’m sorry but I don’t want us to meet and break down. I was hoping it could be a meeting where we would be new. Please don’t spit venom…I’m still not counting us out. Maybe with this approach, if we ever cross paths, it will be a real new start. I’ve never felt so shitty in my life, but this is for the best.

All this time, it's been holding me back for nothing. I’m seriously done.

PS. We're like 30 minutes later. I'm not sad anymore.

All this was a misunderstanding. I originally called him just to ask how he's doing…but the fact that he doesn't answer drives me nuts. Actually, I tried to limit contacts, but he was the one who texted me things that only a boyfriend is allowed to say when I was in Vermont, which made me think that it's okay that I call him more often. I didn’t want to harass him, but I kept calling because I know it’s not his usual character to ignore me.  

I think a lot of problems arose because of a lack of communication. All these little misunderstandings that we didn’t openly talk about create a distance between us. In our case, he's the distancer and I’m the pursuer. I’m the one who is impulsive and takes risk, while he's the one who leaves everything in the air, and wants space…but he has issues communicating that need.  As he becomes more distant and non-responsive, I chase even more, both running in circles. 

If he'd rather avoid me forever, then so be it. I don’t know how to convince him anymore. But I asked him to do me a favour and to meet me on Tuesday regardless like originally promised...because I anticipated this day for so long and I would feel resentment if it doesn't happen. I said that I would feel complete and move on easier. Let's just say that I need some kind of symbolic closure. 


Thursday, 29 March 2012


Tuesday, 27 March 2012

A month ago, I said to him "I think I'll be okay, at this point, if I were to never see you again. I will miss you a lot, but I'm ready to move on." What I said was true, and it was the whole point of this break-up, to reflect, to change. I don't know.

...but then he would text me things such as, he's sweating over the possibility that I might be sleeping with another guy, but then adds that I can do whatever I like. Then, I told him I'm going to some fetish party, and he said he doesn't want me to go because he doesn't want anybody to touch me. I did everything he wanted me to do, I believe everything he tells me, and I didn't even get mad at him once...until today. I can't stand this anymore. When I call him, he answers at least 6-12 hours later, every fucking time. Can you imagine what it would be like if I did the same as him? "I thought you would be happy to hear from me?" Is it understandable that it's too late and that I no longer anticipate talking to him if he does this everytime? Everything is an excuse with this guy; he never does anything he said he would do...and seriously, I never asked him to do anything, but when he says he will, then I expect some actions, y'know.

I feel bad for getting mad, because I shouldn't get mad, we're not together anymore. But then he shouldn't go about how much better it would be when we'll be together again, and how much he misses me, and say things to me when it's not even his place anymore...and then this. I'm so confused.

We're supposed to meet in 6 days, but I have this feeling that it might not happen.

Ps. I just called him because I wanted to apologize for being impatient...but no answer obviously.

Is this a dream?

Monday, 26 March 2012

Did you know that when you're sleeping, your brain is as active as when you're awake? Lately, I've been attempting to lucid dream. I love that idea of getting a glimpse into the unconscious and the disturbing images that you don't see when you're awake. What would you do if you were not constrained by the circumstances of the real world? Dreams tell a lot about someone. Vanilla Sky is the kind of movie that is scary in a subtle way, which is also why it is appealing.

I decided to start simple by just writing down my dreams immediately after waking up. I usually have a better chance on the weekends, because my brain thinks I need to wake up at 6AM, and that is the best timing to lucid dream.

Last night, I dreamed the same dream again. Basically, in the dream, I’m drugged and I cannot move my body. The first time that I can remember having this dream was 2 years ago when I was abroad, I dreamed that someone broke into my room, but it wasn’t a lucid dream. The second time, I actually remembered in my dream that I had this dream before, but I was still confused as to whether it was a dream or reality, and who is this person who drugged me. I originally wanted to move my body in my dream; I tried to open my eyes so I can see clearly but, I woke up from that dream instead. Last night, I wanted to make sure one more time that it was indeed a dream…and I unfortunately woke up again.


Saturday, 24 March 2012

In 2012, I will...

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

-The first and most important thing that I must do is to pass my CPA exams; I still have regulation and financial left. I can’t enjoy or think of anything else if I don’t pass these goddamn exams.

-I need to get back in shape. I must say that I stopped keeping track of what I eat and it’s mainly because I’m really unmotivated due to my back problems. I have trouble even sitting too long in the office. However, it’s getting better, not significantly better, but just very slowly…

-I want to read more. I haven’t had time to read for pleasure in the past few months and also, I must finish that book I started over a year ago. I haven’t been able to finish it and I cannot just leave it behind either.

-Take 3 months off and go backpacking in south-east Asia and then Europe…and I really want to go to South Africa if I have money left. I wanted to go last year but I was too broke and going to the South to lie on the beach for a week just ain’t my type of vacations…unless it’s after a break up, haha. Hopefully, it's going to work out this year.

-Start studying for another designation in either fraud or forensic accounting…just to add a few more letters after my name and to sound smart, y’know. Ha :)

**Just found out that passed my financial exam, oh my god!
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